I've been speaking some time with an obviously ND person. I'm not sure exactly what they struggle with, but it's outwardly noticeable as such (kind of stumbling around, shaking, general social awkwardness, sometimes having outbursts). They also have explicit hearing problems.
We were in a larger group making small talk, and they asked me to repeat what I said, to which I reponded, "oh, nothing important". They responded immediately "isn't it the listener who should decide what's important?" which I accepted and then did repeat what I said.
Their instant response signaled to me either that they often have the same situation where people don't want to bother reprating themselves, and/or that they are much more mentally lucid than I prejudiciallly assumed.
Then I thought, isn't one of the core aspects of social awkwardness that you don't understand the situation you are in? That you can't even hear what people are saying? And then if people don't even bother repeating themselves upon request, wouldn't you feel that people don't value you, thus compounding alienation, anxiety, etc? This is obviously where I am part of the problem.
And all this because I don't like repeating myself, to ND/hearing-impaired people or not. I don't like having to raise my voice. The prospect of not being able to hear things is not something I ever have had to consider.
Anyone else have experiences like this? Know the view from the other side? Am I making sense?
I'm autistic and despite not really having hearing problems, I often can't parse what people are saying. I can definitely say it feels really bad when someone says something, I don't understand it, ask them to repeat and they brush it off. I understand that in the vast majority of cases, if they say it's not important then it wasn't, but I also don't want to miss out on context. It makes it much harder to participate in a conversation actively.
It's kind of unfortunate since my aversion to speaking (loudly) and repeating myself is ND related as well. We should be comrades but in this particular situation it just doesn't work out cleanly.
Also, something not being important isn't even a good criterion for dismissing it. Small talk is per definition unimportant, but it's still... well... important... for social cohesion, even if only because it acts as the glue that binds together tangential topics. If you can't hear the topic, you can't use it as a jumping off point.
Right, exactly. It's part of the reason why I do a lot better over text (especially because it gives me the opportunity to use images to convey meaning as well) than an in person conversation.
you are making sense and i think you have the right of it. personally i have some difficulty with auditory processing in loud environments. it's not strictly a hearing problem, that's fine for my age, but it does make it much harder to go out and be social since yes, i often find myself having to ask people to repeat what they said.
and i also don't really like having to raise my voice, so your post makes sense from both sides for me.
but heck yeah, let's be considerate to our hearing impaired comrades!
Just as another side to this, I am autistic and sometimes have trouble processing people's speech especially if I'm not, like, expecting them to speak. I often ask people to repeat themselves, sometimes they don't, and that's fine.
I hate repeating myself personally. Usually I'll give it one try, maybe two depending on the circumstance. And then I'm just like "don't worry about it, wasn't that important." If it's like the third time I'm asked to repeat myself in one conversation I'll even be like "nah dude, listen better."
It's one of those things that really isn't as deep as we wanna make it sometimes. Repeating yourself is annoying, and it really isn't only on the listener to decide what is important. Do you really wanna tell the same off-the-cuff joke that wasn't that funny for the fourth time in a row?
Saw this last night and I wanted to give a thoughtful response.
My partner has an auditory processing disorder and I have ADHD. Sometimes he has trouble hearing and/or processing and sometimes and I can ramble or mumble. We are a quite a duo haha. But, in all seriousness, I quite frequently have to repeat myself in speaking with him and I constantly need to remind myself that this is the reality. He also admits that he frequently asks "what?" as a reflex even if he does hear. I think it's a common tic among those with auditory processing disorders.
My experience when I need to repeat something he hasn't heard and I'm tempted to say "oh it's nothing important" is to instead rephrase what I'm saying more cogently. I recognize that it's very possible that the reason the thing I said wasn't heard was my own fault. Not speaking clearly, just blabbering, or just saying the first thing to come to my head. I instead, stop, think about what I said, find a clearer way to phrase it and repeat it. If it's really not important, I'll usually stick with something like "sorry I misspoke, what were you saying?" or "I need to think about what I really want to say before I respond" saying something like "oh nevermind" or "forget it" can come off as very passive aggressive, especially in a romantic relationship.
I've also learned that this is also a good tactic for people where English is not their first language. Language or processing barriers are not people's faults and you can always do something to make things a bit easier for both parties when communicating. Not sure if this is helpful, but I wanted to convey my experience to you.
