I’ve said for the longest time that it’s like being a prisoner in my own head because I have so much emotional retention. Only now am I beginning to discover that is because of years of being afraid to express how some of that stuff made me feel. Because most “men” or whatever would toughen up and not let it bother them. So I can’t tell if it’s toxic masculinity which traumatized me or autism. Maybe a little of column A and a little of column B
But as an adult, I am inherently people-pleasing, struggle with decisions, have extremely low self-confidence and act like I don’t even exist, etc
Yeah this is kinda where I'm at right now. I don't know anybody who isn't married or related to me who isn't repulsed by my unmasked behavior.
I've just been isolating as much as possible and unmasking then. I know it's not a long-term solution, but it's all I've got.
I used to not need very much support, but I had a couple all-timer level traumatic events in 2022 that really fucked up my ability to deal (and tarnished some favorite coping mechanisms, like "be outdoors" and "play with dog"), and now perimenopause is hitting and the hormones are wrecking what little control and clarity I had left.
I'm still trudging along, but it does really fucking suck, and I need to see some light at the end of this tunnel sometime soon.