Thank you for getting that off your chest because reading it made me feel less alone and well... almost validated. For me this phenomena happened seemingly quickly. I used to feel like I was one of those people you describe being envious of, or at least somewhat like that. Certainly better able to learn and retain information than I am now. I always attributed this big shift in my ability to learn and even think well to a certain event, but I've wondered if maybe it was misplaced blame, and something that was happening slowly anyway. So I can't help but wonder if you always felt that way about your ability to learn, if it was something that degraded over time, or if something specific happened to you that caused this problem with learning and retention.
It just started happening gradually after I dropped out of HS and went through a rough several years, without getting into too much detail. I went and got my GED afterwards, went to college for a period of a couple years. Stopped going when I'd come back some days and be completely tapped out mentally. Never got my degree. My family has a history of depression and though I've never been formally diagnosed, I've battled some severe depression on and off over the years.
It's also interesting because we lived in some run down apartments during my childhood, and there was chipped lead paint all around. Sometimes I wonder how much that impacted my development.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If you don't mind me asking, what changed for you?
Hey comrade. I appreciate your sharing of some difficult personal struggles. Congratulations on getting the GED despite the continuous battles with depression. Degree or not, that's an accomplishment worth being proud of.
My family history, like yours has a lot of depression and other mental illness, and it's hard to know how much of that is genetically inherited or simply the inheritance and perpetuation of being "lower class" (poor) in a capitalist reality. That last part includes environmental exposure to shit like lead too. That must be a hard weight to carry around, wondering if the place you lived in as a child is a root of the difficulties you face now.
As for me, I've always had really bad problems with anxiety and depression. Even as a kid I had severe panic attacks I was sent to various doctors for. Later on, did a lot of self medication of all kinds but found benzodiazepines (please no Jordan Peterson jokes) in particular to be a sure-fire way to kill anxiety and still be moderately functional. I relied on them heavily to be able to work. Eventually I knew I had to get off - it was getting bad. But I didn't do it wisely and ended up going through some extreme withdrawal. Seizures, psychosis, suicide atttmpt, peripheral neuropathy in my arms and hands, lots of other shit. And ever since I feel like I've lost my ability to think clearly, to make memories properly and even worse, to really feel and experience life. Then again some of that was already gnawing at me before the withdrawal, so I don't know if that's what did it for sure or just one catalyst. I do know I'm not the person I used to be. I feel lesser. Broken. And I'm not sure if I should be "fighting" to regain myself, or just accept I've lost a lot of what made me me. Sorry, that sounds pathetically melodramatic, but... yeah.
Anyway, you have my empathy and solidarity. It's not an easy thing, living a life shackled with depression. Especially in this late stage capitalist hellscape.
I don't think it's being melodramatic at all. Felt the lot of the same shit you've felt. I never took meds, but they absolutely devastated my family in ways that I didn't see the worth in taking them.
I don't know what your social circumstances are, but I hope you can find a good friend or two in life to just share experience and shoot the shit with. It's the only thing that keeps me going, and my friends are understanding of my situation, even through the highs and lows. It's really the only form of therapy I feel that works for me. Outside of that, I don't know if there are any 'real' solutions to this. Being stuck in this capitalist garbage heap makes it worse, and all you can do really is just maintain day to day. Some just slip and fall. When a family member of mine ended up going insane after a divorce, I was seriously considering suicide. Took some social interaction to climb out of that hole.
Honestly I hope your heart and mind settle down dawg. I really mean that shit. I don't know how or in what way, but I hope it does. I've had it bad, but I know others always have it worse. You have seizures and shit - I never experienced that, but I know people that have and I know how hard it is just to hold employment. If you ever feel the need to talk more, I'm always down.
Hey, thank you for your compassionate response. Yes, medication even when necessary and prescribed can be a double edged sword.
As for the importance (necessity, even) of having a good friend or two in life, oh man do I agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately I really don't have that. Due to a combination of shame at my circumstances and extreme social anxiety, I've been pretty much friendless and isolated for years. I actually attribute a lot of my issues, including a good amount of the mental decline we've been talking about, to all that solitude. I sometimes think important parts of my brain responsible for socializing have atrophied, maybe literally. I've been considering for a while making a detailed post about it in c/mentalhealth, but never know where to start or what good it would ultimately do. I'm very glad to hear you have a good irl support network and that it has helped you as much as it has, especially out of a truly dark time. I agree that just having friendly people to be around is vastly more beneficial than even professional therapy - not that that can't be a big help to some people too. (Also, condolences about your family member.)
And just to be clear, I don't have seizures anymore. That was just something that happened when I was going through benzodiazepine withdrawal. However, I am still coping with the long term effects that those seizures and other aspects of the withdrawal had on me. But again, I don't know how much of my current fucked up state is due to that specifically or to... well, everything else. I know the peripheral neuropathy is from that for sure. Because we were talking about environmental toxin exposure, in your case lead, one thing that might be causing a lot of my issues, both physical and mental, could be mold toxin exposure. My psychiatrist (who I only get to have a phone consult with for 45 minutes once every 3 months) first suggested it and is confident that it's playing a role. If so, I'm stuck with it. But I don't want to ramble on too long about my personal woes, especially when like you said, so many others have things so so much worse. Not that it's ever a competition though - suffering sucks, period.
Thanks again for the kind message comrade. :heart-sickle:
I think you should definitely make that post. Take your time with it. I'm sure you're aware of how many people are affected by harmful substances in their living environment. Many of them aren't even able to reflect on it in the way that you and I are able to. I think that perspective might definitely be of some interest to others, including myself. But even if you don't, I think you should just write shit down anyways
Thank you for getting that off your chest because reading it made me feel less alone and well... almost validated. For me this phenomena happened seemingly quickly. I used to feel like I was one of those people you describe being envious of, or at least somewhat like that. Certainly better able to learn and retain information than I am now. I always attributed this big shift in my ability to learn and even think well to a certain event, but I've wondered if maybe it was misplaced blame, and something that was happening slowly anyway. So I can't help but wonder if you always felt that way about your ability to learn, if it was something that degraded over time, or if something specific happened to you that caused this problem with learning and retention.
It just started happening gradually after I dropped out of HS and went through a rough several years, without getting into too much detail. I went and got my GED afterwards, went to college for a period of a couple years. Stopped going when I'd come back some days and be completely tapped out mentally. Never got my degree. My family has a history of depression and though I've never been formally diagnosed, I've battled some severe depression on and off over the years.
It's also interesting because we lived in some run down apartments during my childhood, and there was chipped lead paint all around. Sometimes I wonder how much that impacted my development.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If you don't mind me asking, what changed for you?
Hey comrade. I appreciate your sharing of some difficult personal struggles. Congratulations on getting the GED despite the continuous battles with depression. Degree or not, that's an accomplishment worth being proud of.
My family history, like yours has a lot of depression and other mental illness, and it's hard to know how much of that is genetically inherited or simply the inheritance and perpetuation of being "lower class" (poor) in a capitalist reality. That last part includes environmental exposure to shit like lead too. That must be a hard weight to carry around, wondering if the place you lived in as a child is a root of the difficulties you face now.
As for me, I've always had really bad problems with anxiety and depression. Even as a kid I had severe panic attacks I was sent to various doctors for. Later on, did a lot of self medication of all kinds but found benzodiazepines (please no Jordan Peterson jokes) in particular to be a sure-fire way to kill anxiety and still be moderately functional. I relied on them heavily to be able to work. Eventually I knew I had to get off - it was getting bad. But I didn't do it wisely and ended up going through some extreme withdrawal. Seizures, psychosis, suicide atttmpt, peripheral neuropathy in my arms and hands, lots of other shit. And ever since I feel like I've lost my ability to think clearly, to make memories properly and even worse, to really feel and experience life. Then again some of that was already gnawing at me before the withdrawal, so I don't know if that's what did it for sure or just one catalyst. I do know I'm not the person I used to be. I feel lesser. Broken. And I'm not sure if I should be "fighting" to regain myself, or just accept I've lost a lot of what made me me. Sorry, that sounds pathetically melodramatic, but... yeah.
Anyway, you have my empathy and solidarity. It's not an easy thing, living a life shackled with depression. Especially in this late stage capitalist hellscape.
I don't think it's being melodramatic at all. Felt the lot of the same shit you've felt. I never took meds, but they absolutely devastated my family in ways that I didn't see the worth in taking them.
I don't know what your social circumstances are, but I hope you can find a good friend or two in life to just share experience and shoot the shit with. It's the only thing that keeps me going, and my friends are understanding of my situation, even through the highs and lows. It's really the only form of therapy I feel that works for me. Outside of that, I don't know if there are any 'real' solutions to this. Being stuck in this capitalist garbage heap makes it worse, and all you can do really is just maintain day to day. Some just slip and fall. When a family member of mine ended up going insane after a divorce, I was seriously considering suicide. Took some social interaction to climb out of that hole.
Honestly I hope your heart and mind settle down dawg. I really mean that shit. I don't know how or in what way, but I hope it does. I've had it bad, but I know others always have it worse. You have seizures and shit - I never experienced that, but I know people that have and I know how hard it is just to hold employment. If you ever feel the need to talk more, I'm always down.
Hey, thank you for your compassionate response. Yes, medication even when necessary and prescribed can be a double edged sword.
As for the importance (necessity, even) of having a good friend or two in life, oh man do I agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately I really don't have that. Due to a combination of shame at my circumstances and extreme social anxiety, I've been pretty much friendless and isolated for years. I actually attribute a lot of my issues, including a good amount of the mental decline we've been talking about, to all that solitude. I sometimes think important parts of my brain responsible for socializing have atrophied, maybe literally. I've been considering for a while making a detailed post about it in c/mentalhealth, but never know where to start or what good it would ultimately do. I'm very glad to hear you have a good irl support network and that it has helped you as much as it has, especially out of a truly dark time. I agree that just having friendly people to be around is vastly more beneficial than even professional therapy - not that that can't be a big help to some people too. (Also, condolences about your family member.)
And just to be clear, I don't have seizures anymore. That was just something that happened when I was going through benzodiazepine withdrawal. However, I am still coping with the long term effects that those seizures and other aspects of the withdrawal had on me. But again, I don't know how much of my current fucked up state is due to that specifically or to... well, everything else. I know the peripheral neuropathy is from that for sure. Because we were talking about environmental toxin exposure, in your case lead, one thing that might be causing a lot of my issues, both physical and mental, could be mold toxin exposure. My psychiatrist (who I only get to have a phone consult with for 45 minutes once every 3 months) first suggested it and is confident that it's playing a role. If so, I'm stuck with it. But I don't want to ramble on too long about my personal woes, especially when like you said, so many others have things so so much worse. Not that it's ever a competition though - suffering sucks, period.
Thanks again for the kind message comrade. :heart-sickle:
I think you should definitely make that post. Take your time with it. I'm sure you're aware of how many people are affected by harmful substances in their living environment. Many of them aren't even able to reflect on it in the way that you and I are able to. I think that perspective might definitely be of some interest to others, including myself. But even if you don't, I think you should just write shit down anyways