Honestly, based on the work I've done in my own relationships, you have to open yourself up to the idea that you are fundamentally wrong about everything you know. My partner and I basically broke each other down and built each other up from scratch, not to suit some selfish needs mind you (like it's not a hentai manga style competition to see who can dom the other person into being the best sex slave or whatever), but it was mostly picking apart dysfunctional habits that came from selfish mindsets or could be connected to patriarchy/white supremacy (and it's surprising how much of that is built in to the things people perceive as "normal").
The subsequent rebuilding came from establishing rules for communicating effectively and ensuring everyone feels heard and that problems are to be solved together. There are a lot of tiny complaints throughout the day and some sit down discussions critiquing unhealthy behavior, but they're offset by compassion when things get real. And we're secure enough with each other that saying out loud these things that we need doesn't poison the well. Because the desire to act and be helpful to see the other person happy/thriving is far more powerful than the little prickles that we know are just maintenance behaviors.
Of course, not everyone is the same. But I've been with them for years and the limerence and empathy has only increased over time where most people in the west report a decrease over time (usually 2-5 years is when people stop feeling intense passionate feelings and everything else goes with it).
I'd also recommend downloading The Communism of Love by Richard Gilman-Opalsky. It's basically given me the tools to put the things I've learned irl into words and materialist analysis.
I feel called out. What can a honky such as myself do to practice healthier social bonds than the ones we were taught?
Honestly, based on the work I've done in my own relationships, you have to open yourself up to the idea that you are fundamentally wrong about everything you know. My partner and I basically broke each other down and built each other up from scratch, not to suit some selfish needs mind you (like it's not a hentai manga style competition to see who can dom the other person into being the best sex slave or whatever), but it was mostly picking apart dysfunctional habits that came from selfish mindsets or could be connected to patriarchy/white supremacy (and it's surprising how much of that is built in to the things people perceive as "normal").
The subsequent rebuilding came from establishing rules for communicating effectively and ensuring everyone feels heard and that problems are to be solved together. There are a lot of tiny complaints throughout the day and some sit down discussions critiquing unhealthy behavior, but they're offset by compassion when things get real. And we're secure enough with each other that saying out loud these things that we need doesn't poison the well. Because the desire to act and be helpful to see the other person happy/thriving is far more powerful than the little prickles that we know are just maintenance behaviors.
Of course, not everyone is the same. But I've been with them for years and the limerence and empathy has only increased over time where most people in the west report a decrease over time (usually 2-5 years is when people stop feeling intense passionate feelings and everything else goes with it).
I'd also recommend downloading The Communism of Love by Richard Gilman-Opalsky. It's basically given me the tools to put the things I've learned irl into words and materialist analysis.