"Comparison is the thief of joy," as they say, but it's not as simple as knowing that and being immediately freed from its clutches.
I looked up a former friend from high school today and found she's now super successful with her own startup doing cool science shit that might actually improve people's lives. When I look at my own life and what I've done in the same time it feels so insignificant, worthless even.
Normally I'm content to just chug along my path and try my best to better the world, but I've got some wounds surrounding this friend and our falling out (largely due to my own insecurities and inability to reconcile my unrequited crush on her :cringe: ) that never healed. Even thinking about her makes me feel so wretched, and all the more hateful towards myself for feeling that way, for being so weak and ill-accomplished. Is there anything to do but just try to block it out of my mind? I wish I could tear out and burn the piece of me that cares about this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who's responded to this. Talking about it has helped me feel a lot better and think about some goals for how I want my life to go and what I want to prioritize moving forward. Who knew internet strangers could be so helpful?
Your assumptions would be correct. I'm honestly a little scared of journaling. My only experiences with it are when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and that's enough to spook me. Do you have any suggestions on baby steps with it?
Ah yeah if you’re expecting someone else to read your journal that can be hard. I have a password protected note on my phone that I use. And my “suicidal thoughts” have usually been more intrusive thoughts about me being suicidal. Even then, I talk about it in coded language. As long as I know what I mean, that’s what matters. I talk about which basement I’m in. A bad day is basement 1. A bad week with a couple instances of suicidal thoughts is basement 2. Anything longer than that or suicidal thoughts that are more persistent or involve planning, and that’s basement 3. I’ve only been in basement 3 once and couldn’t have brought myself to journal anyways, but at that point a hospitalization may have been warranted anyway. That happened while I was on a new med that was “working really well” until I realized it was to blame for my intense depression.
As far as journaling baby steps go, depression aside, just trying and pull out your phone to write a sentence or two throughout the day. If it’s more, it’s fine. Any time you notice an emotion and have a few spare seconds. If your journal is initially filled with entries like, “Jaina said hi to me earlier. She pisses me off.” that’s fine. It’s mostly about starting a habit at first and then you can decide what is and isn’t helpful as you expand your writing.