I guess I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere. I'm not a big fan of journaling because it doesn't really ever feel like I actually get them out of my head, but I only got one friend who I can tell anything to, she's a wonderful transwoman who I've known since we were kids and has struggled with addiction like myself in her life and does a great job of helping distract me and push me to be a better person, but I don't always feel good about using her as a person to vent to because I worry thats all our relationship turns into and she's not my therapist. I dont have one of those either cuz I guess I dont have a lot of hope in therapy doing much good. I tried it once and my guy just told me to practice mindfulness. Problem is I cant seem to get out of my own head most days unless I smoke or drink. Smoking makes me paranoid and tbh pretty lazy. Drinking helps me give into bad impulses (like posting here or publicly) and I get even less work done when I drink. So here I am just trying to vent.
I just feel really inadequate. I dont like being alone, I grew up with good parents and two older sibs who are like a decade older than me and remember crying when they went to college. My mom and dad werent really outwardly romantic, but I remember my dad buying mom flowers and him and my mom are working class heroes who worked hard to get us all the essentials and a little more. They still try to help me and my sibs fianancially and emotionally, but I just cant be like them, I keep making mistakes in life and cant seem to stop myself. I really want a life partner, if not a whole family to love and provide for, but since I cant really take care of myself it doesnt seem like I can do that, let alone date or have healthy sexual relationships. I worry alot, I was diagnosed with general anxiety five or so years ago and I probably have ADHD. I get paranoid about things too and I rely on my friends and family alot, but even tho I really lucked out in a lot of ways in the birth lottery I just cant seem to feel good about myself. I want to be able to help people but I just keep finding ways to hurt people I genuinely care about, friends, family, people I have romantic feelings for.
It feels like every time I'm on to something good I find a new, or old, way to self sabotage and fuck it all up. Even here I can be really rude and just plain mean to all you fine people. Why cant life be better for me and all the people I personally care about? I'm not strong enough to help those people, let alone humanity. I have a lot of love in my heart, that's why I'm a communist, I want things to be better for everyone, even the people who are ass. But I also have a lot of hate in my heart, thats why I'm also a communist. Hate myself, but I also hate the ghouls who inflict pain and misery on a massive scale because fuck that, life could be so much happier for all of us. I just want us all to be happy, but if I cant be genuinely grateful for the good things in life, like a good family and friends who put up with my bullshit then how am I ever going to help other people who have it so much worse than me?
Idk how to end this vent, there's too much to think about and worry about and it feels selfish. I just wish I could get a hug and have someone tell me its all gonna be ok. Does that mean I still havent grown up yet, even tho I'm already an adult? Fuck, I have work tomorrow in six hours but I have trouble sleeping. Thanks tho if you read all of that, you weirdos make me feel less alone and I think thats the thing that really scares me the most.
Update: Thank you comrades for all the kind words. I'm doing better already. I took my lil guy, who looks exactly like matapacos, 
, to the dog park yesterday and I had a friendly conversation with an older lady and her dog Lucy. Things are looking up!
I just wish I could get a hug and have someone tell me its all gonna be ok. Does that mean I still havent grown up yet, even tho I'm already an adult?
Of course not
I hug myself all the time and I say nice things aloud like "I can see you're trying so hard and it's really difficult. I care about you so much and I want things to get better for you."
It's really nice and you should try it, especially because I haven't figured out how to physically hug people over the internet yet.
I'm sorry you're feeling so alone with everything. I don't have many words of wisdom to offer, but I do know a thing about self-sabotage in general. It happens when there are parts of us, feelings and safety rules we've internalized, that we don't really see until they come out and "ruin" something for us. The path out, for me, was feeling my emotions more in general. Yeah, lots of people do journaling for this, but I don't like it much either. Anything that makes you feel something is a good place to start. Maybe a sad movie. Maybe a song. Maybe hugging yourself and saying nice things that sound silly and fake at first. Maybe (this is what I think) you are already doing it by writing this all out to share with strangers.
Last time I felt bad, everyday before work I would look into the mirror and say "I am Disco. I am Disco"
time to return to tradition
Hey, I'm not sure if you want a response because it says it's a vent, so I won't contradict you too much. One point I'd like to push back on is that hating war criminals and white collar war/healthcare/etc profiteers isn't a black mark on you as a person. It's absolutely rational to hate an ExxonMobil executive. I don't think it's helpful or healthy for you to dwell on it for a super long time, but the correct response to ontollogically evil people is hatred.
Getting a good therapist (for you) takes on average like 10 tries, so I would not discount the profession from one disappointment. If you have health coverage, I'd recommend seeking therapy. And even if not, there are sometimes teaching colleges where they have sliding scale fees.
Treat each first (and sometimes second) meeting as a test of your compatibility with the therapist. Once one or two meetings have passed, reevaluate and ask yourself if you trust this person to be able to help you. If the answer is no, let them know you won't be seeing them anymore and find a new one to try. They mostly won't take it personally.
If you don't mind me pushing back on more stuff let me know, otherwise, I did read this and I feel for you, comerade.
I woke up super early from having a really weird dream. I haven't smoked in like ten days and haven't gotten drunk by myself in like a week, so the dreams be hittin. I was gonna delete the post because I didnt initially see a notification for any replies and thought I might sound too unhinged to be posting rn. But I checked to see if I just missed the comments and got a chance to read your while laying awake in bed. Thanks comrade, your reply means the world. Maybe its because it came from a stranger instead of a close friend or family member, but its the first time I reacted positively to someone suggesting therapy. I dont mind the contradictions, I know that as a Marxist I shouldnt be afraid of confronting and resolving them, in fact even thought I was just throwing this out to the void to get things off my chest, I was really hoping someone would reply. Thanks again, it means more than I can describe in words to know people I've never met care.
Getting a good therapist (for you) takes on average like 10 tries, so I would not discount the profession from one disappointment. I
like 15 here with no help and i'd prefer several kinds of death to going through intake again
I honestly think that the argument of "your friends shouldn't be your therapist" is broadcasted and pushed way too far, to the point where everything is specialized and marketized, and you go to a bunch of specialists once a week for $50/hr. It's a way of perpetuating the liberal worldview.
That's not to say that the opposite is true. That function shouldn't be assumed, it should emerge organically to the friend's capacity for it. And that's also what we're here for.
Yeah, basically, each time you want to vent to said friend, you should ask if they're in a good headspace to listen to your problems first. And every couple months you can check in that they're still doing okay with it.
IMO you have a lot of negative self talk which can be greatly helped by meds and therapy. It’s like shoes though you’ve gotta try a bunch before you find the right fit.
I empathize though I don’t do therapy either because it’s like, what the hell am I going to talk about with some fucking lib? I feel like it would be impossible to engage with someone about myself if we have fundamentally incompatible world views.
Having said that I take medicine and it makes a huge difference. Tbh I don’t know how anyone navigates our capitalist hell scape without them
Hope you feel better soon.
Edit: one more thing, not to be a nanny, I am telling you what you already know— but the booze and weed are not helping they’re making it worse. Try exercising a little bit if you can, maybe it won’t work for you, but if the bug catches it’ll be a powerful motivator for reducing substance consumption as it’s very incompatible with fitness goals
