Okay, so I've recently found out I'm on the autism spectrum (those of you who recognize me for my rambling posts about fish won't be surprised). With that discovery came a realization: I will never get uses to loud, crowded events. No amount of exposure therapy is going to stop me from having meltdowns the second I slip into a bathroom stall for a moment's privacy. I hate it and I don't want to do it again, especially during a pandemic that we've all seemingly moved on from.
Anyway, I've got a work conference in two weeks where I'm expected to run AV, mingle with maskless executives and board members, entertain their stupid conversations about their beach houses over meals, interrupt groups of people for photos, and keep a smile on my face as if I enjoy it. I do these several times a year, but this one has really got me anxious due to how far it is from home (agoraphobia, too). I have already decided I am not going to go, but I'm not sure about the best way to get out of it.
My options:
-
tell my boss that I'm having a nervous breakdown and that if it doesn't happen before the conference, it will when I get there. This is the truth and will probably be easier for me longterm, but I do not want to have a mental health conversation until I've finished my assessment and gotten back into therapy. And honestly, if I was going to pursue this option then I should have done it a long time ago.
-
my brother sent me a photo of his positive COVID test... could I just show that to my boss right before the event? It's got a QR code, but I could easily make it unreadable via photoshop. It's the least stressful shortterm option, but I can only use this excuse once and the next conference is only a few months off. At some point, I am going to have to quit or be honest about my struggles.
-
I could just quit. I've been wanting to for ages, but this would be a dramatic way to do it - probably not a great choice. I don't think I'd have trouble finding a similar role, but I don't want to burn those bridges until I figure out if I even want a similar role. Also, I really need to hold onto my health insurance.
The longer I wait, the harder I will be making things for my coworker who is scheduled to be there by doing this. I have spoken with her privately about these issues and she has assured me that she would be glad to cover for me, but still...
What would y'all do? Just suck it up and go on the trip? Because that sounds truly miserable and I've been having near daily panic attacks about this for months. I'd rather do pretty much anything than have to attend this thing again.
Bonus points for any advice from fellow autists.
Autistic person checking in. My work sometimes gives me anxiety attacks over things similar to this (having to lead meetings/presentations), and I've gotten away with that so far by...just not working. Yes, it has bit me in the ass, but no, I have't lost my job over it. Seems like you're in a little more of a hard situation here - personally, I would probably try the covid test idea. If that backfires and you get called out on it, it could be a good opportunity to have a real talk about your anxiety with your boss - maybe there's some sort of arrangement that can be made surrounding who does these conferences?
Reflecting more on your post, kinda seems to me like this is a good opportunity to consider how YOU want to handle your heath - it straight up isnt healthy for us to constantly feel anxiety like this, and it absolutely is in your best interest to give yourself a reprieve.
If I type more, I feel like I'm just gonna talk in circles, so I'll end my post here for now. Good luck comrade! We're rooting for you!
Thank you! And you're right, I have put my own health on the backburner for far too long. Not just my mental health, either - I put all of my energy into masking for this job and I feel so burnt out. I don't have the energy to cook, clean, socialize or take care of myself. I have to take that back somehow.
Sending good vibes, love, and solidarity comrade. Anxiety is a fuck, fuck it to hell and back a thousand times over. :meow-bounce: