Okay, so I've recently found out I'm on the autism spectrum (those of you who recognize me for my rambling posts about fish won't be surprised). With that discovery came a realization: I will never get uses to loud, crowded events. No amount of exposure therapy is going to stop me from having meltdowns the second I slip into a bathroom stall for a moment's privacy. I hate it and I don't want to do it again, especially during a pandemic that we've all seemingly moved on from.
Anyway, I've got a work conference in two weeks where I'm expected to run AV, mingle with maskless executives and board members, entertain their stupid conversations about their beach houses over meals, interrupt groups of people for photos, and keep a smile on my face as if I enjoy it. I do these several times a year, but this one has really got me anxious due to how far it is from home (agoraphobia, too). I have already decided I am not going to go, but I'm not sure about the best way to get out of it.
My options:
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tell my boss that I'm having a nervous breakdown and that if it doesn't happen before the conference, it will when I get there. This is the truth and will probably be easier for me longterm, but I do not want to have a mental health conversation until I've finished my assessment and gotten back into therapy. And honestly, if I was going to pursue this option then I should have done it a long time ago.
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my brother sent me a photo of his positive COVID test... could I just show that to my boss right before the event? It's got a QR code, but I could easily make it unreadable via photoshop. It's the least stressful shortterm option, but I can only use this excuse once and the next conference is only a few months off. At some point, I am going to have to quit or be honest about my struggles.
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I could just quit. I've been wanting to for ages, but this would be a dramatic way to do it - probably not a great choice. I don't think I'd have trouble finding a similar role, but I don't want to burn those bridges until I figure out if I even want a similar role. Also, I really need to hold onto my health insurance.
The longer I wait, the harder I will be making things for my coworker who is scheduled to be there by doing this. I have spoken with her privately about these issues and she has assured me that she would be glad to cover for me, but still...
What would y'all do? Just suck it up and go on the trip? Because that sounds truly miserable and I've been having near daily panic attacks about this for months. I'd rather do pretty much anything than have to attend this thing again.
Bonus points for any advice from fellow autists.
Fellow autistic comrade here! Yeah I'd lie to get out of it tbh. Especially now during the pandemic, and especially especially if it was when I'd just found out that I'm autistic.
The most helpful thing for me shortly after finding out was taking it easy on myself and giving myself the time and space to process that new piece of information — it is a lot! For me, there was a lot of going back over all of my old memories and experiences with the new knowledge that I'm autistic, and a little bit of mourning for the person I might've been if I'd been given the support that I'd needed as a kid instead of just being told off for the way that my brain is wired. That took a ton of time and emotional energy (which is often one of the kinds of energy in the shortest supply for those of us on the spectrum) and made it hard to do anything else that was mentally or emotionally strenuous for awhile.
I think your plan to get out of it is good. I'd "develop symptoms" a couple days before you'd need to travel, then tell your boss you tested positive for covid like a day later. Don't send the test result unless your boss asks (but be prepared to send it if they do, i.e., make sure you have the pic with the QR code illegible and the EXIF data stripped ready to go).
Take your coworker at her word that she'll be glad to cover for you, but plan to do something nice for her after (a thank-you coffee or lunch or something).
Wait to quit until you have something else lined up (esp for insurance reasons) — I wouldn't plan on having a mental health conversation with your boss, definitely not until you're absolutely ready for it.
Hope everything goes well. Love and solidarity to you, comrade :meow-hug:
Wow, that is exactly what I'm going through and I'm glad to hear that it is a normal part of the experience. I explained it to my partner as being similar to a near-death experience - all of a sudden you see your whole life played out in a new context. It's very overwhelming but also sort of positive?
Anyway, I appreciate the advice! I think I'll sniff my cat a bunch right before my next Zoom call to trigger an allergy attack so that it looks like I'm really sick.
Oh yeah, I can't speak for everyone but that's a pretty common experience among all of the other people on the spectrum that I know who didn't find out they're on the spectrum until adulthood. This was also my experience when I found out about 5-6 years later that I've got ADHD too. Overwhelming but ultimately positive for sure.
Hope it goes well, comrade! :stalin-heart:
Give your kitty extra snuggles and pets for me too :lenin-cat:
If you're asking if it's okay to lie to get out of a work event for any reason at all, then then answer is yes.
Autistic person checking in. My work sometimes gives me anxiety attacks over things similar to this (having to lead meetings/presentations), and I've gotten away with that so far by...just not working. Yes, it has bit me in the ass, but no, I have't lost my job over it. Seems like you're in a little more of a hard situation here - personally, I would probably try the covid test idea. If that backfires and you get called out on it, it could be a good opportunity to have a real talk about your anxiety with your boss - maybe there's some sort of arrangement that can be made surrounding who does these conferences?
Reflecting more on your post, kinda seems to me like this is a good opportunity to consider how YOU want to handle your heath - it straight up isnt healthy for us to constantly feel anxiety like this, and it absolutely is in your best interest to give yourself a reprieve.
If I type more, I feel like I'm just gonna talk in circles, so I'll end my post here for now. Good luck comrade! We're rooting for you!
Thank you! And you're right, I have put my own health on the backburner for far too long. Not just my mental health, either - I put all of my energy into masking for this job and I feel so burnt out. I don't have the energy to cook, clean, socialize or take care of myself. I have to take that back somehow.
Sending good vibes, love, and solidarity comrade. Anxiety is a fuck, fuck it to hell and back a thousand times over. :meow-bounce:
The actual prep work that goes into these events is a major part of my job. I put together all of the marketing materials, communications, signage, websites, etc. Actually being there was never even in my job description - I got roped into it when I was new because I was young enough to know how to operate technology, I'm good with a camera and I'm bad at saying "no." I've been doing it for half a decade now.
The one part that I'm really necessary for is running social media, but I can and have done that remotely in the past.
Oh, and my boss is a lib, but like... a suburban workaholic mom lib. I hate this term, but she very much meets the criteria for being a "Karen."
Nice so I think this is the best combo, looks like actually attending the conference is a small part of what you do/can be covered by someone else and if your boss is a lib you can just use the covid spike itself as a reason to not attend (a lot of people are going to be maskless and I’m not comfortable)
If going to these things was like your main job I would say you have a problem but the fact that it isn’t plus your 5-year tenure is probably good enough to get you out of attending these things until you can find your footing a bit better
Yes absolutely use the excuse. Protect yourself, comrade.
And probably make a plan for how you'll avoid future ones. Doesn't have to be the truth, just has to be consistent.
I think I am going to get to the truth eventually, and if that doesn't go so well then it's just time to move on. No job is worth feeling like this all of the time. Thanks for the support!
Most people consider the quarantine period to be five days now. I've read a lot of anecdotes of people being pressured to attend work or school after the fifth day even when symptomatic and testing positive. I'd wait to "be sick" just to be safe.
Ah yes, employers ordering people to go outside and back to work 5 days after a nuclear attack even with all the Geiger counters going crazy because of the fallout.
Put your hands on your head and slowly back away from the lathe
Oh no now my employer is going to ask me into the office in five days and all my skin is going to drop off my body like an autumn leaf
My god don't go. Autist here too - I know how fucking horrible that is, and how anxiety filled (and disrupted) the time leading up to it is.
It'd most likely be in your interest to eventually mention your disability to your boss. Idk your relationship with her nor your work culture, but for me it was basically "yo I'm autistic I'll need X and Y accomodations, cheers". Improved my life, and shudders my productivity at work.
