Suddenly remembered the time a Nazi tried to groom me into fascism as a teenager. That was a formative experience I probably habitually underestimate the importance of.
Dude was pretty smart in many ways. He ended up teaching me all the high level strategy of how to infiltrate social and government institutions and get away with fascist crimes by sniffing out sympathizers among the police and using the legal system to hide. Also taught me how to use people politically without relying on them to cover you, basically gave me the whole playbook. And a lot of practical fun things that would be useful in Minecraft. And many more things besides.
For some reason he taught me the "how" before he really taught me much of the "why". He just assumed I'd be on board when he "dropped the black pill" because I'm white.
He tried to make a dramatic reveal but I was not impressed. He taught me all this stuff only to end with "it was all da jewz all along" which was just like :confusion: . My reaction seemed to rattle him a bit, like I ruined his plans.
He ended getting a job :fedposting: not long after I stopped talking to him. He had been trying for a while at that point though. No I'm not joking. And he very explicitly many times told me the only reason he would ever get a job like that is to be an inside man to do fascist shit.
Weird thing is he was an insanely effective and knowledgeable teacher. If he wasn't a Nazi he would be a pretty cool dude. I don't like thinking about it, probably why I had forgotten about that whole thing.
This has been my weekly hexbear therapy post thanks I'm fucked up for a lot of reasons
All I know is that I think you're awesome and I love your posts/comments. You rock and I would bet my (albeit meager) life savings you're not brain damaged. But if you're having the kind of issues you describe, it might maybe worth it talking to a professional who knows about dissociative disorder. I have some dissociative tendencies a little bit here and there, and some of what you're saying sounds kinda familiar. I may be way off base, and I know it. Just a thought from one comrade to another. Maybe worth pursuing.
As for therapists, obviously I don't know where you are. But in most places there are sliding scale ones that can be found with a little diligence. I was able to find one for $20 a week, which... was not cheap for me, but it turned out to be worth it in my case.
It's worth a shot. I don't entirely remember why they didn't work out the last few times, but I know it didn't go well before.
The more I think about it the more I think this is actually getting worse. Time has been flying by in a way that feels suspiciously like literal time gaps and not days going by fast in the metaphorical sense. And a few other things seem off. I also feel like I'm being overly dramatic but if anyone told me the shit I was saying I'd be like "dude wtf". That's probably normal all things considered.
Thanks for the advice and support. Def got some shit to unpack.
Finding the right one is imperative. Like in every other aspect of humanity, a lot of them just plain suck. But that doesn't mean there aren't really good ones out there that could really help.
If it's getting worse, it's important to identify why that's happening and prevent it from keeping on in that direction. For your own future, your own life. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be presumptuous, I'm just going by what I know. But I really do think that if these things are worsening for you, it's all the more imperative you find out why and reverse it. You have a life to live and if it's passing you by without you even knowing what happened (gaps) then you're missing out on your own experience. I missed out on so much of mine and I deeply regret it. You're not being overly dramatic (and honestly, I question if there even is such a thing. The most profound experiences are dramatic if nothing else). I don't know, there' so much wrong with me, I feel like a imposter trying to offer "advice." Just saying what I know from my own shit. Yada yada, 'cliche about having only one life to live' but... it really is fucking true.