[CW: (Internalized) Racism, Mental Health, Queerphobia, Transphobia]
Unfortunately, I'm still going through internalized racism because of my awareness that black people tend to be overwhelmingly homophobic and transphobic. It's leading me to logic that goes like this:
- P1: Black people tend to be disproportionately more bigoted towards queer people than white people are.
- P2: I am a black and queer person.
- C: Therefore, it's seemingly in my best interest to distance myself from my race and even assume that I, by default, should be distrusting of people from my own race.
The problem is that this leads to some really heavy feelings telling me that I have to feel bad or inferior because of my race. It also leads to me feeling like I have to avoid other black people as to not upset them, out of the fear that I'll say something offensive. This is because my ability to be sensitive about experiences pertaining to anti-black racism has strongly deteriorated due to the numerous struggles brought upon by my intersectionality.
My family has effectively disowned me, and I feel like their culture, in a way, influenced that. To be fair, I was raised in a staunchly Catholic Afro-Caribbean household, but I feel like the concerns that I'm expressing are pretty universal across various black cultures globally. I and some members of my family have also found ourselves associating with some typical black American customs.
On top of that, tonight, a black person on social media told me that I, as a black trans person, am "betraying" my race due to my transness. That caused me to have an eruption into some really harsh internalized racism tonight, and I don't know what to do to truly purge the intensity of these thoughts. Every time I start feeling like I'm calming down with this deeply entrenched self-hatred of my own racial category, something comes up that gets me to start feeling the blues about it once again.
I really don't want to keep feeling like this. The fear that I have around this dilemma is manifesting unhelpfully. One of my friends, who is white and queer but aware of my internalized racism, found a black community support group that they recommended for me to attend. It was for black people in general, not just queer black people. They're aware of this group because they participate in a lot of social justice activism. I immediately told them "Nope! I can't go to that meeting. That's horrifying!".
This isn't something I condone, and I'm super uncomfortable talking about it, but I can never overcome it unless I bring it up I guess.
To those of you who can help me understand the flaws of my thought patterns, what is a better way I can more healthily approach the awareness I have of the black community's rampant anti-queer sentiment?
Is there some transphobia and homophobia in the black community? Sure. But who do you think was at the Stonewall riots? Who do you think was striking a pose and made House vogue? Who do think was Duke Ellington’s most trusted composing partner? Who do you think is the most fabulous man in America?
All that transphobia and homophobia can’t snuff out that gay and trans culture would be nothing without black brothers and sisters and enbys. And black culture would not be what it is today without gay and trans black people. Betraying? Nay, you are not betraying, they are blinding themselves to how central gay and trans people have been to their race.