[CW: (Internalized) Racism, Mental Health, Queerphobia, Transphobia]
Unfortunately, I'm still going through internalized racism because of my awareness that black people tend to be overwhelmingly homophobic and transphobic. It's leading me to logic that goes like this:
- P1: Black people tend to be disproportionately more bigoted towards queer people than white people are.
- P2: I am a black and queer person.
- C: Therefore, it's seemingly in my best interest to distance myself from my race and even assume that I, by default, should be distrusting of people from my own race.
The problem is that this leads to some really heavy feelings telling me that I have to feel bad or inferior because of my race. It also leads to me feeling like I have to avoid other black people as to not upset them, out of the fear that I'll say something offensive. This is because my ability to be sensitive about experiences pertaining to anti-black racism has strongly deteriorated due to the numerous struggles brought upon by my intersectionality.
My family has effectively disowned me, and I feel like their culture, in a way, influenced that. To be fair, I was raised in a staunchly Catholic Afro-Caribbean household, but I feel like the concerns that I'm expressing are pretty universal across various black cultures globally. I and some members of my family have also found ourselves associating with some typical black American customs.
On top of that, tonight, a black person on social media told me that I, as a black trans person, am "betraying" my race due to my transness. That caused me to have an eruption into some really harsh internalized racism tonight, and I don't know what to do to truly purge the intensity of these thoughts. Every time I start feeling like I'm calming down with this deeply entrenched self-hatred of my own racial category, something comes up that gets me to start feeling the blues about it once again.
I really don't want to keep feeling like this. The fear that I have around this dilemma is manifesting unhelpfully. One of my friends, who is white and queer but aware of my internalized racism, found a black community support group that they recommended for me to attend. It was for black people in general, not just queer black people. They're aware of this group because they participate in a lot of social justice activism. I immediately told them "Nope! I can't go to that meeting. That's horrifying!".
This isn't something I condone, and I'm super uncomfortable talking about it, but I can never overcome it unless I bring it up I guess.
To those of you who can help me understand the flaws of my thought patterns, what is a better way I can more healthily approach the awareness I have of the black community's rampant anti-queer sentiment?
i know it does no good to say there's plenty of white queerphobes too, but talk to a white queer person and i figure they'll tell you they're also distrustful of white strangers. more importantly, there are black queer people. not just as a rare exception, but everywhere in the united states where there are black people. i promise you you will find them.
i think people of all races inevitably learn to abandon a lot of prejudice when they encounter political consciousness and solidarity. in every activist milieu i've been in, the most striking commonality is that people of a plethora of experiences were able to empathize and find common cause with each other. that's the very thing that movements are made of. therefore i think a community support group oriented towards social justice would be way more accepting than you'd expect, and would be a good place to start.
it's a meaner world than it should be. i don't want to tell you to thicken your skin. but the only way to stay soft is in communion with others. you're not a fluke, a freak, or a singleton. there are others with struggles like your own. there's a lotta assholes too, but you got to keep reaching out.