If I saw I'm a gay woman, that doesn't mean I'm defining myself just by being gay. It just makes more sense than saying "I'm a woman with gayness."

We don't call tall people "people with tallness". We don't call black people "people with blackness." Being autistic should not be treated any differently because being autistic isn't worse than those things. Being autistic is actually much much much more fundamental to who I am than being gay is. There is a version of me that could exist without being gay. There is no version of me that could possibly exist without being autistic. It is not possible to remove autism from the person.