I'm a straight man who wants to be attractive to women, but society's masculine sex figures (capeshit heroes, underwear models, etc) are shaped for the male gaze even when they're ostensibly meant to be attractive to straight women.* So I'm afraid that emulating their examples, or cultural "common knowledge" about how to perform attractiveness, is mostly making me more attractive to men. Recently I was looking at a male friend's Bumble with some female friends and felt like I totally didn't understand female desire. And men seem a lot more interested in me than women.

Does anyone have reading suggestions? I'm NOT interested in redditisms like "women like rolled up sleeves", I want something more holistic and contextualized.

This post was prompted by a /r/MensLib post but please don't continue their comment fights here.

* Except for "women's media". Boy bands, romance novels, reality TV, etc. I would much rather read theory than consume a lot of pop culture though.

edit: holy shit guys please give me THEORY RECS. I don't care about individual opinions, the internet is full of them already and the comments are full of what I already talked about: cultural "common knowledge" about how to perform attractiveness.

  • TerminalEncounter [she/her]
    ·
    2 years ago

    This is interesting because on the one hand cis hetero males are so hegemonic and so you would think they'd be the object of critique and study. But I guess you're asking about women's perspectives on attraction, which would make sense for why no one has been able to give you good theory recs (including me lol). The main artist that comes to mind is Sapho, but she wouldn't be very helpful for you all things considered lol.

    My sister did her degree in gender studies, I'll ask her if there's any good recommendations for you and then check back in.

      • TerminalEncounter [she/her]
        ·
        2 years ago

        Okay, she said she wasn't aware of much on what you could call "the female gaze," but did give me a bunch of recommendations. I can't vouch for thow applicable they are to you, but here's what she recommended:

        • The Charmed Circle Gayle Rubin (I think she mightve meant her essay called Thinking Sex)
        • Judith Butler (in general)
        • From Gender to Sexuality, specifically chapter 9
        • Full Frontal Feminism Jessica Valenti
        • Bell Hooks in general, but her stuff on Masculinity Studies (she recommended We Real Cool for just one thing)
        • The Beauty Myth Naomi Wolf

        I don't know how helpful these will be, but it's something to point you I guess. Like I said she also thought there wasnt much on feminist theory/critique for what women find attractive.

        • StewartCopelandsDad [he/him]
          ·
          2 years ago

          Thanks for asking. I'll dig into these a bit. It does seem like something worth writing about but I guess the "female gaze" doesn't have power/consequences like the male gaze. (Or maybe there's no unified gaze at all.)