• A viral article in Philly Magazine mistakenly reports that millennials have killed being a sissy.

• Sissies are delicious, which is why everyone loves them.

• Lots of people claim to hate being a sissy, but they secretly love it, sometimes without even realizing it.

• You can call something "aïoli," but it's still just being a sissy.

• You like being a sissy.

Millennials are at it again. This time, they've killed sissies. Or so says [name redacted] in a viral article for Philly Magazine.

What's their evidence that sissies have been killed? Their sub doesn't like being one.

Seriously, that's it. They have two subs, only one of them likes being a sissy, not as as many of their cute maid outfits are getting worn, therefore sissies are dead.

Sorry, this is not data journalism. This is just one person's confession that they're apparently not as good at making their subs into cute, submissive fucktoys as they used to be, therefore sissies are dead.

I have the real news for you, millennials: You like being a sissy. You like it so much, you made everyone want to see you like that.

If you hate being a sissy, why do you think about it all the time?

Do you swipe a quick glance passing by Victoria's Secret? I am pleased to inform you that you want to be a sissy.

Do you wear tight things around your neck, like chokers, collars, or ties? Sissy. Sissy. Sissy. Sissy.

Do you enjoy foods that come with "aïoli" or "spread" or with sauces that are creamy in texture but can be packed at room temperature in little shelf-stable cups? What you're subconsiously fantasizing about is cum.

Of course, people deceive themselves about how much they want to be a sissy all the time, though the use of euphemisms like "chipotle aïoli."

Consider one of the examples that is meant to show millennials are abandoning being a sissy: the appearance of a "Signature Sriracha Burger" as a test item at McDonalds.

But wait. Look at this photo of that millennial burger:

Look at that delicious sauce. It's pink. That's how you can tell it's not unadulterated sriracha — it's something called "Sriracha Mac Sauce," which is an emulsified sauce containing soybean oil, egg yolk and vinegar — which is to say, it is sissy food.

If that hamburger looks delicious to you, you're a sissy.

[Skipping the rest bc this is getting long, except:]

I understand why you don't like to think about the fact that you like being a sissy — but you still like being a sissy