"Cold and Tense": 10 Americans on How Politics Changes Relationships

Audrey Vera, 33, Oakland, Calif.

"I finally told them my girlfriend was a cop."

"I played bass in a death-rock band for almost five years. We would say that we were like family. I could go to a show and either know someone playing or know people there and feel welcomed. I am a nonbinary lesbian, and my band mates are also queer and trans, so having chosen family is huge.

"I started dating my partner in June 2020, around the time of the George Floyd murder. She works as a cop. I knew that was going to be contentious, so I kept her profession a secret. Throughout that year, they met my girlfriend and never had an issue with her. Around the time the Floyd cop had his trial, my band decided they wanted to write an 'ACAB' ['All Cops Are Bastards'] song, and I finally told them my girlfriend was a cop. They didn't talk to me for a week and then called to say I wasn't 'a fit' for the band.

"I find it all very disheartening, but mostly so because she became a cop to have an influence on changing the police work force culture and create a safer environment for women, queer and trans people. Before I met her, I never would have thought I would be romantically involved with a cop. But if I hadn't been open to unpacking my own snap judgments about people who become cops, then I wouldn't have won the lesbian lottery. It really just speaks to how much your life can get unlocked when your gut goes by what you experience of a person instead of social narratives you've been told."