Throw away account lmao, I just get a huge amount of anxiety and dread every time the subject is even broached. Going to college is the end of it all, the true beginning of being tossed into the American world of exploitation and privatized idiocy. Am I just being childish? I need to do this, I kind of want to do this, but I need to make something of myself. I just keep running into a wall and going :cri:, freezing until I put it off in some way.
I'm slacking in my work, and my theory as well, senioritis is hitting hard, and it isn't even the end of the fucking year! I keep missing fucking assignments, and I know they are there, that I need to do them, I just put them off and read something else. I'm royally fucked. In the head.
Like, am I even going to be alive long enough for this devotion to college to be useful? Will I even learn anything worthwhile other than overall demeaning social experiences with american liberals who are already enough of a hassle to deal with on their own. I can't even interact right with the ML I know IRL!! I could be something! Or nothing! god just let me die! Or let me live! I don't even know where I'm at! I'm being dramatic.
I may not even want to go. Does that even matter? I'm more scared of being a worthless chump, with no special skills people may want, or no way to truly contribute. I want to be useful, but I'm so fucking scared! I feel like I'm ripping apart my own mind! I can't fucking sleep anymore! I can't even work on assignments correctly!
AND I ACCIDENTALLY SUBMITTED MY HALF FINISHED APPLICATION :kitty-cri-screm:
Im so fucked
If your parents kinda want the prestige of their kid going to university and not, like, a vocational college, and your having a roof over your head is contingent on that...
Um, academically, what clicks with you? You should view uni as a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. What do you enjoy doing? What do can you do really easily that other people cannot? If you are not good at maths, you're probably going to have a rough time with engineering, computer science, or the other sciences (even psychology). Not to say that the university should result in a decent paying job, it's just a lot of time and money just to make your parents proud. If you don't like writing essays, um.... idk, in my computer science degree I had to write two essays, both of them in third year. Politics and psychology had a lot of essays.
That being said, if your performance anxiety is fucking with your ability to finish assignments that you are fully capable of doing on time, university is going to be pretty rough. The assignments tend to be bigger and worth more of your grade than school assignments. The "real world" outside of academia is often more lenient.
"Making something of yourself" is aspirational middle class bullshit. Most people just have jobs.