Throw away account lmao, I just get a huge amount of anxiety and dread every time the subject is even broached. Going to college is the end of it all, the true beginning of being tossed into the American world of exploitation and privatized idiocy. Am I just being childish? I need to do this, I kind of want to do this, but I need to make something of myself. I just keep running into a wall and going :cri:, freezing until I put it off in some way.
I'm slacking in my work, and my theory as well, senioritis is hitting hard, and it isn't even the end of the fucking year! I keep missing fucking assignments, and I know they are there, that I need to do them, I just put them off and read something else. I'm royally fucked. In the head.
Like, am I even going to be alive long enough for this devotion to college to be useful? Will I even learn anything worthwhile other than overall demeaning social experiences with american liberals who are already enough of a hassle to deal with on their own. I can't even interact right with the ML I know IRL!! I could be something! Or nothing! god just let me die! Or let me live! I don't even know where I'm at! I'm being dramatic.
I may not even want to go. Does that even matter? I'm more scared of being a worthless chump, with no special skills people may want, or no way to truly contribute. I want to be useful, but I'm so fucking scared! I feel like I'm ripping apart my own mind! I can't fucking sleep anymore! I can't even work on assignments correctly!
AND I ACCIDENTALLY SUBMITTED MY HALF FINISHED APPLICATION :kitty-cri-screm:
Im so fucked
Are you being childish? No. Plenty of “successful” adults get froze up trying to make big decisions. It’s not because of a lack of emotional development.
Like, am I even going to be alive long enough for this devotion to college to be useful? Absolutely. While you will not be made into an engineer/writer/whatever by the process, the importance of college for education is a continuation of the more open ended learning process you may have experienced as high school winds down. The importance of college for job placement cannot be overstated. If you want to work a job that requires a college degree, only smaller places will hire you without one. Someone will chime in and naysay this next part, but they’re literally wrong (medicine is the exception because it’s literally job training from the jump): it doesn’t matter what the degree is in. Unless you want to be placed in a critical engineering position straight out of college (which is unrealistic and fucking stupid), just get through the four years, get the piece of paper and get out. Undergraduate programs are babysitting for the people in them and serve to demarcate class membership as opposed to suitability for any particular field or work. If you really wanna do one particular thing, plan on the postgraduate education.
I may not even want to go. Does that even matter? Yes of course it matters what you want. It’s literally your choice for possibly the first time in your life and it 100% matters what you want. You talked about wanting to be able to contribute and be useful. There’s a bunch of ways to go with this, but 1. Go talk to a therapist about it. They’ll be able to help you figure out who you wanna be helpful to and what you wanna contribute to. If you can’t see a private one, call your county health department and tell them you wanna see a therapist. Often there’s a low cost/no cost option. 2. You’re gonna be useful and contribute no matter what. Even if you don’t want to, part of being ejected into the world of survival in late capitalism means someone will press you into service as a cog in their great machine. You’ll be made useful to something.