I just needed to vent about some relationship stuff, and felt most comfortable sharing it here. I ended up writing a lot, so feel free to keep scrolling if you don't care to read, lol.
spoiler
This is someone I've had feelings for for the past 11 years, and I'm really bummed out about it. I've been in a few long-term relationships spanning years, but I've only really felt this strongly towards her. She has a tendency to pop into my life, then disappear for 1-2 years at a time. In 2021, we talked for two weeks, and then she ghosted me on a night we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was posting on instagram photos of her on a date with someone else, including pics of them kissing. She never did respond to me after that missed date.
About a year ago, she texted me out of nowhere and apologized. She said she was really sorry that she hurt me, and she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. The relationship between her and the other person didn't work out. I was a lonely idiot and responded back to her. We ended up talking for a couple weeks, then she started doing some sketchy stuff again. I'm monogamous and demisexual and wanted to avoid getting hurt again, so I told her: "You know how I feel about you. If you're going to act affectionately to me, talk horny about stuff, and get me to open up to you, I want it to be in a monogamous relationship. So if you're going to spontaneously ignore my texts and ditch me on the nights we're supposed to chill, please don't get a hold of me." She said she was sorry and it's fine if we stopped talking.
Well, two months ago she reached out to me, and I responded back to hear what she had to say. We ended up texting each other almost every day for two months. We confided in each other, we video chatted, and we got a little :bonk:. She invited me over two weeks ago, and it was an amazing time. We cuddled, we talked for hours, we got a little physical. And it made me feel really good.
But shortly after, she started taking hours to respond to my messages. She'd "fall asleep" more often at 8 pm, when we'd regularly talk until midnight. Then we were supposed to hang out a few days ago, and she told me last minute that she just wanted to crochet and hang out with her cats instead. She didn't respond to me again for 3 days, but I saw that she posted Stories of her cuddling with another guy at his apartment. I didn't know who this guy was, but he was tagged in the video. I went to his profile and it said he was in a relationship and his cover photo was the two of them holding each other at a disc golf course.
It made me super upset. So I messaged her: "You're doing the same exact shit again, what the fuck? I told you not to contact me anymore when you're just sad and lonely and need something familiar. I'm a fucking human being and every time you do this to me, it fucks me up for awhile. Please don't ever text me again."
To be honest, I got kind of ugly with it, and I'm not sure if this was justified of me. I thought about screenshotting our sexting messages and us talking about how much we enjoyed the physical stuff we did, and sending it to the guy. If I was in a relationship, I'd be pissed and hurt if I found out my partner was doing that. And if they were in an open relationship, she needed to disclose that to me. So I told her exactly that.
She called me on my bluff and said, "If you feel like you need to, go ahead. You don't know what our arrangement is." She said that she didn't respond to me because she was having a rough few days, and said she wouldn't ever bother me again. Then she blocked me on everything.
So I'm just bummed out about it. I hate having someone you really like in your life every day, and then it just ends super badly and abruptly. I really liked having her to talk to, and it truly felt like it was budding into something real. But it was all a lie, and that hurts. I feel like a dumbass for falling for it again, but I'm lonely af and thought she might've really come around. Then to see that we're finally blocked from all communication, it sucks that it's real. I just needed to get this out, and if you guys had any similar stories or things to share, that'd be cool too.
:heart-sickle:
He knows she is lying. She knows she is lying. At this point they are both agreeing to play by different rules from a while.
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He can take umbrige all he wants. I am just saying that isn't productive.
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He has a very plesant sometimes partner that requires special handling. He could be mad, it might be just. But then he would probably lose the partner who's time he seems to enjoy. If he came to terms with the shape of what is being offered he might have a very pleasant time and go about his life. Which outcome is more aligned with his goals?
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I dunno. get it isn't a great idea. Like, something about finding a human connection in this troubled time feels important even though it has probelms. I feel like tryng to fix it is a valid option even if it is a weird situation that requires may to much work to figure out.
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Is it? They seem to have a fairly noce time appart from the fact that it is only on her schedule.
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We did have a nice time, but so do lots of other people in abusive relationships. And when I say abusive, it's not like we verbally or physically assaulted each other. Never once. 99% of the time where we were actually talking and spending time together, it was extremely pleasant. But that doesn't excuse her lying to me, being deceitful, and continuing to ignore my boundaries. That puts me through emotional pain. She knows that, but continued to do so because she could extract what she wanted from me. It's not because I was fine with her lying, it's because I kept believing that she would actually listen to me when I told her what my boundaries were.
I know what you're saying, and part of me wanted to give into the fact that she was someone I enjoyed spending time with, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. That was after I found out, and I was figuring out what my next step should be. But I had already set clear boundaries with her in the past, and she crossed them once again. It sucks not having her around anymore, but I don't want to subject myself to her always choosing someone else over me. Some people may be okay with that, but I'm just not one of them.