I just needed to vent about some relationship stuff, and felt most comfortable sharing it here. I ended up writing a lot, so feel free to keep scrolling if you don't care to read, lol.
spoiler
This is someone I've had feelings for for the past 11 years, and I'm really bummed out about it. I've been in a few long-term relationships spanning years, but I've only really felt this strongly towards her. She has a tendency to pop into my life, then disappear for 1-2 years at a time. In 2021, we talked for two weeks, and then she ghosted me on a night we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was posting on instagram photos of her on a date with someone else, including pics of them kissing. She never did respond to me after that missed date.
About a year ago, she texted me out of nowhere and apologized. She said she was really sorry that she hurt me, and she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. The relationship between her and the other person didn't work out. I was a lonely idiot and responded back to her. We ended up talking for a couple weeks, then she started doing some sketchy stuff again. I'm monogamous and demisexual and wanted to avoid getting hurt again, so I told her: "You know how I feel about you. If you're going to act affectionately to me, talk horny about stuff, and get me to open up to you, I want it to be in a monogamous relationship. So if you're going to spontaneously ignore my texts and ditch me on the nights we're supposed to chill, please don't get a hold of me." She said she was sorry and it's fine if we stopped talking.
Well, two months ago she reached out to me, and I responded back to hear what she had to say. We ended up texting each other almost every day for two months. We confided in each other, we video chatted, and we got a little :bonk:. She invited me over two weeks ago, and it was an amazing time. We cuddled, we talked for hours, we got a little physical. And it made me feel really good.
But shortly after, she started taking hours to respond to my messages. She'd "fall asleep" more often at 8 pm, when we'd regularly talk until midnight. Then we were supposed to hang out a few days ago, and she told me last minute that she just wanted to crochet and hang out with her cats instead. She didn't respond to me again for 3 days, but I saw that she posted Stories of her cuddling with another guy at his apartment. I didn't know who this guy was, but he was tagged in the video. I went to his profile and it said he was in a relationship and his cover photo was the two of them holding each other at a disc golf course.
It made me super upset. So I messaged her: "You're doing the same exact shit again, what the fuck? I told you not to contact me anymore when you're just sad and lonely and need something familiar. I'm a fucking human being and every time you do this to me, it fucks me up for awhile. Please don't ever text me again."
To be honest, I got kind of ugly with it, and I'm not sure if this was justified of me. I thought about screenshotting our sexting messages and us talking about how much we enjoyed the physical stuff we did, and sending it to the guy. If I was in a relationship, I'd be pissed and hurt if I found out my partner was doing that. And if they were in an open relationship, she needed to disclose that to me. So I told her exactly that.
She called me on my bluff and said, "If you feel like you need to, go ahead. You don't know what our arrangement is." She said that she didn't respond to me because she was having a rough few days, and said she wouldn't ever bother me again. Then she blocked me on everything.
So I'm just bummed out about it. I hate having someone you really like in your life every day, and then it just ends super badly and abruptly. I really liked having her to talk to, and it truly felt like it was budding into something real. But it was all a lie, and that hurts. I feel like a dumbass for falling for it again, but I'm lonely af and thought she might've really come around. Then to see that we're finally blocked from all communication, it sucks that it's real. I just needed to get this out, and if you guys had any similar stories or things to share, that'd be cool too.
:heart-sickle:
"You don’t know what our arrangement is."
That's exactly the problem, good job figuring it out, madam. :amerikkka-clap:
What did you even see in this person?
This was the ugliest she's ever been towards me. The most mask off. I've literally known her since 2012, and we just connect on a lot of shit, emotionally and physically. And for some reason, I always lower my defenses around her. This one specific person.
I'm gonna have to agree with @ButtBidet on this one. Even when she wasn't mask-off you could've done and probably did better than her.
You're not wrong. I know that I won't treat people like this, and I would expect the same. Most people can get through their interpersonal interactions without treating people this way.
write that down some place where you'll see it regularly. this is what you need to remember the next time she comes knocking a few years from now. if you wouldn't ever treat someone like this, that's a pretty good indicator that she's someone who should stay really far away from your life. she's looking at you as a means to end - it's a kind of objectification that's not particularly gendered.
I'll do that. No matter how bad the loneliness gets to me, I know that there are others out there who won't use people so carelessly without considering that they're actively hurting other them.
Betrayal hurts a lot. If you can't cry because masc, find a huggable pillow and squeeze it until the tension leaves your body. It helps relax your muscles when you hold the tension for a bit and let it go. Hopefully you'll be okay, moving foward! (Just try to stop thinking with your 🍆 ).
I've done a little bit of crying, but not a whole lot happens anymore. The whole time I was talking to her, a little part of me was preparing for this. I even used my newfound coping skills to say, "You don't know why she's taking so long to respond. She has a lot going on and it's the holidays. Don't let your head go places where nothing has happened, yet." And it actually fucking happened again, haha.
I am trying to remember to take deep breaths and relax, but I have built up a lot of tension from the sadness.
Thank you for recommending that stuff, comrade. :meow-hug:
And it actually fucking happened again, haha.
Trust is a two-way street. You can at least say you did your half.
I'm not disagreeing with you. But all our instincts, as well as all the books we read and movies we watch, tell us to be the nicest person possible to our friends despite the other person being a dick. I think that learning to let people go is a skill that people need to learn.
I'm sorry comrade. I've literally been on both sides of this in my younger days, although never this fucking bad. One woman, whom I was enjoying the attention and company when I already had a partner, went ahead and blocked me when she found out. And like, good for her.
I'm usually not down for blocking people, but someone who's OK with dicking you around and ignoring you is never going to stop this pattern. You don't deserve someone that plays you like this. People will come into your life that give you the basic courtesy that you know every human should be able to have. I've had women dick me around in my teens and twenties. At the time it was a hole of depression, I kept thinking "how could she do this after our history?" and I would just ruminate over this same shit. Now, 15ish years later, I couldn't give a fuck. I might pop onto their FB profiles once in a while, and there's no feeling. It's like a TV show from a long time ago that's outdated and uncool today (like Seinfeld).
I'm sorry that you've gone through the same stuff, but I appreciate you sharing that. It's the lack of just being fucking honest with me that hurts the most. I played it cautious for a couple weeks until it appeared like she was going to stick around for awhile. Then she did the exact same shit, instead of telling me what the deal was. Having that shown to me this time truly drives home the fact that this is how she feels like she can treat me, and I'm better off finally letting this die.
Ya, being lied to sucks. I'm sorry that you had to find it like this.
Growing up for me has mostly been figuring out which people are fucking terrible before I get close to them. Ya, it hurts to have a close relationship cut you like this. With living and experience, this shit does get easier. ButtBidet 20 years ago was super nice and loving to everyone. ButtBidet today is just nice to people that deserve it, and loving to only a select few.
I may be at the same spot that you were. People generally regard me as "Nice." I'm very soft-spoken, disarming, and try to take an interest in people's lives. I generally trust people and open up to them. And I guess I just expect other people to be kind of the same way. But then you get up getting burned, and that sucks ass. But you can learn from it.
Oh ya, being a kind person and expecting everyone to think and act like you is a common pitfall.
Unrelated, but I've definitely done selfish shit in the past. I can't talk about being kind and not mention that I've hurt people with my actions before. I guess I'd say, use this memory to protect others from being hurt by you in the future.
Edit: not that I'm blaming you for anything now
No, absolutely. I've done some selfish things in the past, and I may have hurt others without seriously taking their feelings into consideration. I guess people do that sometimes, even if they're not actually bad folks.
It really does suck to be on the receiving end, though. But this just feels kind of excessive, lmao.
Edit just to expand: I learned to pay closer attention to how my actions affected people when I was in my early 20s. This woman's around my same age, and has gone through similar experiences. We've talked about our personal growth to each other. I just didn't anticipate her actively hurting me again.
One woman, whom I was enjoying the attention and company when I already had a partner, went ahead and blocked me when she found out.
What would you say is a reasonable time frame to tell a new partner that you've already been seeing someone?
I've dealt with this my whole life and i have a horrible pattern of this with multiple women throughout my life that i am trying to honestly cut but like a drug addiction, i keep suffering multiple relapses and fall off the wagon.
I'm going to tell you the same advice i am trying to give myself, just cut it. There is no other solution than to just cut these type of people from your dating life because quite honestly they're very aware of the effects they have on you. Sometimes we come across incredible connections that do things to us no other person has. But if It turns into a one sided dynamic at your expense and let me tell you the receiving side is very much aware of this as well. They feel it too, they just don't value it the same way unfortunately. They use it as a source of validation they can fall back on, think of something in their back pocket.
The only way to stop this is to cut it altogether, and believe me i am not one to speak on this matter I'm actively reevaluating this in my own life.
I can empathize with that, comrade. There's something about having someone show interest in me that makes my life feel more complete, and I'll do almost anything to pursue that. It's absolutely like a drug addiction, and I've never considered that before.
And you're right that it was a one-sided dynamic. She knows that she can elicit these actions and feelings from me, and she manipulates that in order to make herself feel better. When she's gotten her fill, she can go back to someone that she actually has feelings for. And she often receives the same treatment from her partners that she dishes out to me. It's almost like a cycle of abuse.
I'm going to cut her out. Typing this comment out to you really made me see how abusive the situation is.
I'm so happy my input can have that effect on someone, and as i read the way you describe the situation you're in, i can honestly see myself with some situations i am Trying to cut myself. I've been self aware for a while about this comrade and like a drug, i hate that i go back to it constantly.
It's a source of validation for us as well unfortunately, and in my case my confidence, self esteem, validation, and even mental stimulation seems to all come from these women in my life and these one sided dynamics I've allowed to go on for too long.
Quite honestly it's not healthy mentally at all, its a gateway to incel, misogyny, and red pilling. The reality is, i have done this to myself by putting my self worth into these horrible dynamics for the sake of crumbs. You bake a whole cake for someone and get back crumbs from this person.
It has got me into horrible situations and drama, because ive also accepted these one sided situations from married and taken women... It's turned me into a monster in inebriated situations and I've compromised myself and my healthy relationships as a result of this vicious cycle. I've lost loved ones i valued, and at 31 I'm very ashamed I've let it come this far. I've recovered from cocaine and alcohol addiction and yet this is the one thing that makes me feel just as horrible as those binges.
My self worth is not at it's best as a result of doing this my whole life, and I'm doing my best to start this new year strongly by cutting all these nasty situationships. I can't sit here and simply blame the women because I've been self aware of these dynamics for a couple years since i started therapy and it's so shameful at this point the excuses I've made to constantly return to this swamp of false validation. It's been harder lately because i live alone, i don't have many friends who see eye to eye politically or socially, and the loneliness has put me in a desperate longing to just be understood. The only one that did though, simply does not value me the same way i do. I have a particular girl i think of as i read your words and if there's any good take away i can add. It's that being with her taught me one thing. It taught that all i ever wanted in my romance, was to be in love with my best friend. Someone who i can spend a day doing menial stuff with like shopping at grocery store but it feels like I'm at Disneyland with them. Someone i don't have to fill the silence with and someone who just understands me through the struggles of the ADHD symptoms i experience and how difficult it feels to express myself properly because i feel like no one understands me. (I don't take meds for my ADHD)
That's the only beauty i can take away from it, and maybe there's someone out there with similar traits that WILL value US back. Reciprocation is not something that you have to fight for or hope for it just happens. Be careful matching energy with people like the ones you've described because they'll use it to lure you into these types of situations, once you see the red flags that remind you of the same situationships with this person, just get the fuck out before the emotions take hold. One minute they completely forget about you and all the moments you and together and then when you're gone or they need a source of attention, they will suddenly remember those key moments to make you feel like y'all have something special; it's cruel trap. You don't have to go through this for someone to love you back because the person that will wouldn't do this you ever. It's also important to remember that in the event that you DO WIN THEM over, what then? They'll just do to you what they did behind other's backs, they'll go outside of your monogamous relationship for attention, affection, and intimacy. And you'll be in the dark just like their partners in their "official" relationships. I wish you the best in your recovery from this process, i wouldn't wish this mental and emotional trap on anyone.
Right. I signed up for a couple dating apps to see if I could just find someone cute to text, and that was probably a bad idea. I don't want to get into a relationship right now, but I'd like to find some type of connection to fill the void. I'm wondering if that would lead me to treat someone the way that I was just treated.
I should do something more fulfilling. Finish reading some theory, start exercising with my resistance bar, and focus on a skill. Once I feel more confident and whole, I could allow myself to be open to a relationship again. I've just been single for four years and the loneliness is starting to get to me.
We're just responding back to each other at different points in the post, haha.
That said, I don’t think you’d be as two-faced as she was
Absolutely. I matched with somebody last night and we've been having a really nice chat. But I'm going to tell her today that I created the profile to fill a void, and that it probably wasn't the best choice. If she wants to continue talking casually until I'm in a better place, that'd be fine. But I don't want to waste her time.
And thanks for the audiobook tip! I absolutely hate exercise, and I would do anything to make it less tedious and horrible.
If the conversations with her is going well maybe you should just let it flow naturally before you close yourself off but if you ever feel like you're filling a void, be honest and transparent. But if it doesn't feel that way and you feel a nice connection just flow with it.
Awww man I've been single for 4 years too 😭💔
It's ok, i think you got the right idea! I don't wanna fill voids either so I've been in therapy for those 4 years trying to get it right. I've also picked up school again to study music which is a passion of mine I've always quit while pursuing growing up. I've been trying to channel this energy into my creativity. But it's been very hard because i hit relapses and find myself back in these situations for the mere sake of escaping the hard work that is this passion.
I can't do dating apps I just really hate the environment and the fake people I've met through it. But i wish you the best in it maybe I'm doing something wrong.
If you need someone to talk to my inbox is open and i have apps like telegram and such for communication. Stay strong
I can't say more than I am sorry and you deserve better. I hope this is it and you can move on to someone who really appreciates you. :stalin-heart:
Thank you, dude. Comments like that actually help a lot. :heart-sickle:
You've got to cut them off and move on. From what you've said here, you deserve better than this. This person clearly ain't worth your time
You're right, and that's what I'm going to try to do. Thank you!
Hey man I'm sorry to hear about that. I think the best thing you can do is just put your head down, focus on your own shit for a while and move on, which is easier said than done but time helps with that.
When I was 17 (but in college) there had been a girl that I'd been friends with for two years and she and her boy friend had been broken up for a few months and we'd been talking. Until I'd seen a photo of them hanging out on FB and I'd asked what was up with that. She'd then told me that he'd bought her some shit (I can't recall exactly what it was this was a long time ago) and that she'd missed him buying her things, not that she missed him particularly, but the things that he'd bought her. We'd stopped talking pretty quickly after that because she was in a relationship and I was completely turned off by the very blatant gold digging.
I pretty quickly decided to keep working on myself. I got in shape, hitting the gym nearly every day and was a completely unrecognizable person a year later, I'd lost ~100 lbs and gained some muscle. I spent about a year focusing on goals that I set for myself and improving my platonic relationships rather than searching for a prospective romantic partner and have since had many great and some not-so-great relationships.
I'm really sorry that this happened to you, but you're certainly better off without her.
Dude, great job distracting yourself and putting in the work to improve your situation! That had to be a huge boost to your confidence, and it's awesome that you worked on improving your relationships with people. It's really motivating to hear that someone who went through a similar situation took the opportunity to make tangible changes in their life. I'm going to think about this for awhile.
And also, I definitely have a fixation on her that I need to examine. I've thought about this in the past. When we first started talking, we were 18 and 22. She's extremely attractive to me, and we interact really well with each other. And I've found that most women that I'm attracted to look like her, like I've modeled my taste off of her. So, when I get back into therapy, this is something I'll bring up.
After I slept for the night and woke up, I just really feel like dropping it and moving on. I know he needs to know, open relationship or not. But I don't want to cause a whole bunch of problems and another few days of being angry about this, when I could just move on. But part of me feels like that's kind of a cowardly move, and that I'm just avoiding conflict.
I can relate.
For a few years there's been someone I was making time with, visiting personally and privately, getting really close emotionally, in a way that felt like it should be a personal relationship. Sometimes she'd withdraw for a long time, and later resurface. I learned a handful of months ago that she had another partner she was seeing the whole time, who knew about me but I knew nothing about him. She'll tell me what a great person I am but she won't pursue anything with me to the extent that she does with him. She hasn't cut me out but it still feels like I've been used.
Wow, that's extremely similar to what I was going through. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that pain and feeling like you've been used. I've had a lot of thoughts like, "Why would they say and do all of these things to me, while having someone else that they can go home to every night? Why are they choosing to be with that person over me, when I've exposed so much of myself to them?" It feels really cruel. I hope you've found closure to that and have worked on moving on, because that's what I'm going to try to do.
Hey comrade, it sucks getting played with by another person. Just want to say that was time goes on the pain will lessen, but something that will increase is your pride in your own actions. There are few actions in life that are genuine acts of self love, but reinforcing your boundaries is one of them. You should be proud of that, and honestly I'm proud of you for sticking to your boundaries as well.
I was friends with a woman in college, I established feelings but never properly communicated them to her. That was my fault. However it got to a point where it was too difficult to stay a close friend but know that we weren't going to be together, so I made the decision to distance myself. There are days where I regret losing that friendship, but I never regret the decision I made because I know it was necessary at the time. So my advice to you is to never regret your decision to reinforce your boundaries, even if some days you regret the outcome.
Thank you so much, comrade. I could have tried to convince myself that if I wanted to continue receiving the affection, I could've let her cross my boundaries that I had already laid out for her. But I didn't want to receive temporary affection at the cost of demeaning myself, so I had to tell her that enough was enough. It sucks, and I'm looking forward to putting this behind me. But it does feel good knowing that I stood up for myself, and I really appreciate your supportive words about that.
And I'm sorry about the situation that you went through. That pain of having to willingly let someone go for the benefit of both of you really hurts. And the unknowns surrounding what could've been cut deeply. But like you said, you did the right thing and you're better off for it.
Oh man, 11 years? That sucks hard. I've been through something along similar lines, but we were never physical and it only dragged on for a few months. You're better off without this person, but there is a chance that this won't be the last time you hear from them, even if that's what they're saying now. If they do get back in touch, just tell them that you don't want to know and move on.
I'm sorry that you've gone through something similar, comrade. It's not a good feeling.
I can almost guarantee that she'll reach out to me again in the future. It might be in six months, or it might be in four years. The longest we've gone without talking is six years. So, I'll have to take the time to reinforce the idea that she's bad for my health, and to not welcome her back the next time she texts me.
No need to feel sorry for me friend; it was a good learning experience. I've encountered similar people since, but I haven't yet lost myself quite as badly as I did that first time.
But yes, unfortunately you can't count on this lady changing anytime soon, and are better off staying away, sad though it may make you.
Thank you, comrade. And you're right, the anger really does hurt as bad if not more than the loneliness. It sucks being angry that someone could hurt you with such disregard for your well-being, and you not being able to do anything about it. But I know that time heals, and it'll get easier with each day.
99% chance I'd let the 3rd party who's not done anything to wrong you know, I would want to know if I were them.
Plus it should, probably, eliminate any possibility of interacting with her again. Will she repeat the exact same stuff with other people? Probably. Can we blame it on capitalism? Probably, and we'd probably not be too terribly wrong. Maybe there is something to social credit :soviet-hmm:
Ugh, I want to do it, but part of me just really wants to move on and let this die. He should know, but I could also create a whole lot of problems for all parties involved. I don't know what to do, to be honest.
He knows she is lying. She knows she is lying. At this point they are both agreeing to play by different rules from a while.
He can take umbrige all he wants. I am just saying that isn't productive.
He has a very plesant sometimes partner that requires special handling. He could be mad, it might be just. But then he would probably lose the partner who's time he seems to enjoy. If he came to terms with the shape of what is being offered he might have a very pleasant time and go about his life. Which outcome is more aligned with his goals?
I dunno. get it isn't a great idea. Like, something about finding a human connection in this troubled time feels important even though it has probelms. I feel like tryng to fix it is a valid option even if it is a weird situation that requires may to much work to figure out.
Is it? They seem to have a fairly noce time appart from the fact that it is only on her schedule.
We did have a nice time, but so do lots of other people in abusive relationships. And when I say abusive, it's not like we verbally or physically assaulted each other. Never once. 99% of the time where we were actually talking and spending time together, it was extremely pleasant. But that doesn't excuse her lying to me, being deceitful, and continuing to ignore my boundaries. That puts me through emotional pain. She knows that, but continued to do so because she could extract what she wanted from me. It's not because I was fine with her lying, it's because I kept believing that she would actually listen to me when I told her what my boundaries were.
I know what you're saying, and part of me wanted to give into the fact that she was someone I enjoyed spending time with, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. That was after I found out, and I was figuring out what my next step should be. But I had already set clear boundaries with her in the past, and she crossed them once again. It sucks not having her around anymore, but I don't want to subject myself to her always choosing someone else over me. Some people may be okay with that, but I'm just not one of them.
I don't mind straight people doing what they want behind closed doors but I wish they didn't have to shove it down our throats all the time
haha epic, let's get last week's struggle session back up and roaring again
Granted, we're only hearing one side of the story, but he doesn't seem like the bad guy here.
I used a lot of exposition to get as much of it out as possible without making it impossible to get through, while being as candid as I can. I'll be up for another hour, so I'll answer any questions or own up to something I could've done differently.
Between this and your other response in the comment chain, you’re legitimately a fucking saint.
Thank you, that means a lot. I've put in a ton of work into becoming a patient person, and I don't let much bother me. I have a lot of love to give, and I'm just waiting for someone to come across that reciprocates that.
I don't blame you, lmao. I am opening up to the thought that I'm nonbinary, if that makes any difference.
It shouldn't have to, people deserve a space to speak their mind and feel comfortable, straight, gay, whatever. The comment above is out of line. Sending enby love and support your way :hexbear-non-binary:
