bit of a warning but this is a very sad, pathetic and hopeless post. If you're easily made sad you might wanna sit this one out.

avpd is my own personal hell. Its destroying/destroyed my life. I have 2 "friends" I hardly talk to. Dropped out of college. No real prospects. I was born privileged and have just wasted it. I'm a failure. A husk of a person. I've never been on a single date. I'm just sitting here spinning my wheels. And the wheels aren't really spinning anymore. I'm so desperately lonely, but I just... can't. I don't even know how I'd meet people, if I could step out. I'm so lonely, and sad and FUCK being a social creature. What a cruel joke. A social creature that has a fucking personality disorder so they avoid socializing. WHAT THE FUCK. And this shit's permanent. Its who I am. Sure I can "cope" better but I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING COPE I WANT TO BE NORMAL WTF. I WANT TO BE LOVED AND LOVE PEOPLE AND I JUST CAN'T. ITS TOO DAMN HARD.

suicide

I just wish I could die. I can't take this. I'm such a waste. Being alive is too painful as an anti social, social being.

  • BountifulEggnog [she/her]
    ·
    6 months ago

    fuck you gonna do, work your ass off

    Work a job that can support me cri find a SO who loves me cri those things seem quite nice thonk-cri

    meow-hug Thank you for your words of support

    • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]
      ·
      6 months ago

      What kind of work would you like to do?

      Though my specifics are different, I relate very much to the way you feel, and this has been something I've been wrestling to get my head and heart around for a while: maybe one of the worst things in the world is how mental health struggles can convince some of the most caring and wonderful people, like you and @FourteenEyes@hexbear.net and I guess maybe even me, that they're unlovable or failing at life.

      I think maybe your heart is a better measure of your worth than your accomplishments as a person struggling with disability in this hellscape. Just surviving is a big deal, and somehow managing to not let all the terribleness in the world and in your life turn you into a selfish, bitter husk is pretty amazing. ❤️

      cuddle

      • JohnBrownNote [comrade/them, des/pair]
        ·
        6 months ago

        What kind of work would you like to do?

        not OP but i haven't found anything that doesn't make me hate being alive after a few weeks.

        • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]
          ·
          6 months ago

          honestly, same - self-employed rn but even this sucks ass because idk how to balance things and just end up hyperfocusing until I burn out, then rinse and repeat