Like, it's probably more noticeable that you don't have any romantic or sexual relationships than it would be if you don't have any true, close, platonic connections. Romantic and sexual relationships have things that are very obvious and for the most part, exclusive to them, such as kissing, making out, sex, etc. Platonic relationships that are true and close are not as visible, they're more feelings on the inside (not to say that there's none of those feelings involved with romantic and sexual relationships). If you look exclusively at the activities done with a platonic friendship, it's not very different from an acquaintanceship, or an activity partner.
I've met people who claim they have friends, but they're just coworkers they talk to a bit, guys they play games with, or guys they see at the sports bar a lot. Not people who actually support each other or any true connection. Now granted, there's nothing wrong with having those acquaintanceships or activity partners, and it can be argued that they're necessary for a fulfilling life, but they're not the same as a true connection or friendship. If you've never had that or hadn't had it in a while, it can be hard to tell what that feels like.
The only way to make these connections is through social skills, which a lot of people lack. They lack social skills, so they don't make connections, platonic or romantic. Since romantic and sexual connections have more exclusive activities, it's more easy to notice them than the lack of true friends. So I'm wondering if all this talk about the lack of romance and sex is really just poor social skills.
I think the "dating economy" is an interesting topic that could use more genuine discussion. There's a lot of noise drowning out the real problems and real solutions, most of that noise is ideological incels making it difficult for non-ideological incels to get systemic support for a problem I'm not really sure I know how to articulate.
And honestly, there's not really a lot I can personally do about this. Date an ugly person? Date an asshole? Date somebody potentially dangerous?
Poor social skills can sometimes be interpreted as "introvert" and honestly I'd prefer to date someone who is at least a little bit introverted.
Other poor social skills can mean they never ask me out, or that when they try, I either disregard it as offensive (rightly or not), or I don't detect it, or I reject it and they don't detect rejection. Or he detects my rejection and decides it's infinite-immediately-retry time. Which brings up another question, do I have good social skills? I'd like to think I do. Is it safe for me to always express good social skills in return? No, it absolutely is not safe, and it will likely surprise you how common random men act in a threatening manor over a rejection.
Dating apps were really suppose to be the solution to this. Just tell the algorithm you're willing to move forward with whatever 100 random profiles, then hope >10 feel mutually interested, go on some dates, marry one. Not particularly attractive? that's fine, maybe you need to spend 2 years on this process instead of the 1 year others may spend on it.
But the bad incentive structures for apps has already started. Now that you can pay for additional features/swipes/etc., the gate keepers are incentivized to keep you chronically single.
Somehow the economics on this are also off balance. Apparently most of these things are a sausage fest. For me, the apps are like a buffet of mostly shitty, but mostly available, men. For them, it's mostly select all, message all, fire and forget, hope to get at least one reply this month.
I have literally no idea what can be done about this. My primary concern is that single men of questionable attractiveness are being pandered to hard by the far right and used as pawns in an anti-feminist political agenda which will definitely be bad for me later.
The only solutions I know of are "do nothing about them falling out of the dating economy" and "regress human rights for women".
Yeah I feel. Dating apps seem to match me with women that I'm not terribly attracted to, or have kids or strange beliefs or some other big thing. This is fine for short-term stuff I guess, but I have very little expectation that apps will land me with the type of cool + hot person I've seriously dated before. If short-term relationships were unsatisfying or dangerous for me (like they seem to be for most women) there would be very little point to swiping. I expect this is why a lot of women seem to have made their peace with being single.
I think <50% of matches ignore me, and I go on at least one date with almost any match who responds. I just don't get many matches to begin with unless I max out the swipes every day, which is fucking exhausting. The sausage fest thing is definitely real though. It's such a silly problem conceptually: there's about the same number of men and women, most of them are straight and monogamous, just match up??? Dunno where all the women went but it's self-reinforcing.
Social skills might be broadly accurate idk. Recently I've thought that men are "poorly socialized" or something. We seem to be less likely to build strong social networks than women are (resulting in e.g. widower vs widow death rates) and more likely to send batshit insane tinder messages or do crimes. I think I'm less successful at speed dating events than I am on apps. So maybe it's not an apps problem, I'm just about as bad at being alive as most others of my gender and the apps make it more obvious.
how many speed dating events have you gone on? what are they like?
Maybe three? You go around, talk with everyone for five minutes, write their name down if you're into them and if it's a match the organizer sends you their number. It's fun but I don't write down that many names, few of my names match me, and the one date I went on we just weren't that into each other.
There are solutions. One of them is social skills classes, and another one is a communist dating app, whatever shape that might take. When we change the goal from making money to human flourishing, good things start to happen.
It takes a whole childhood to socialize a person. Classes strike me as impractical for anything but the most remedial applications.
I think therapy, "re-education camps", and psychological medications are possible things that may produce results. I don't think the kind of people who genuinely need to take one would do so willingly.
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Under capitalism sure. Under an actual communist organization with proper training and moderation the odds are a little bit better. In any case, it doesn't need to be a dating app, just a way to help people socialize and find love. China is doing some stuff with dating right now that I think is interesting.
why?