SHANGHAI—In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. “The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere,” a Temu spokesperson told reporters, confirming that more than 100,000 of the subjugated ethnic and religious minorities from the Xinjiang region had been sold so far on the discount marketplace. “You won’t find prices on forced laborers this low anywhere else. When we tell our customers to ‘shop like a billionaire,’ we mean it.” Approximately 90% of Temu users reached for comment complained that the Uyghur laborers they had purchased arrived in such damaged condition that they no longer worked.
Hate to say it, but most Onion articles are this unfunny. The headlines tend to be the only funny part, the body of the article tends to just repeat the joke. Their old videos were much better, IDK if it's the same writers but the articles are far less humorous.
Oh yeah those old onion videos are fantastic. The one about the military existing to protect America's gays always gets me
Can't blame them too much. Nobody reads the articles, it's all about headlines. I wouldn't be giving it my a-game either.
There are two that I remember making me laugh pretty hard but I was still in school back then so I probably had a much higher tolerance for low effort crude humor. One about the Secretary of Interior punching a buffalo in the mouth and the other one about Haiti hosting the 2216 Olympic Games (a lot less funny now that I'm older and know why Haiti is poor). You're right that the joke is invariably just rewording the headline over and over but sometimes that just works.
Those are sick, these are my faves:
Trump voter feels betrayed by president after reading 800 pages of feminist literature
New ad urges hipsters to attend Applebee's ironically
Teen's death hits reporter hard
deleted by creator
Revolt forecast
Ever seen The Onion Movie? It’s classic oldschool onion and I loved it.