“Welcome to Starbucks, you fucking bourgeois pig,” said barista Alexandra Balvin, delivering the greeting in lockstep with 180,000 Starbucks workers across the nation who were suddenly sporting camouflage-printed aprons, hanging up Che Guevara posters, and writing “Imperialist Swine” or “AmeriKKKan” on customers’ coffee cups.
Some older classics:
https://www.theonion.com/u-s-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths-1819571445
https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-overturns-car-1819564540
https://www.theonion.com/dna-evidence-frees-man-from-zoo-1819569243
https://www.theonion.com/report-nations-gentrified-neighborhoods-threatened-by-1819569723
https://www.theonion.com/stephon-marbury-embroils-celtics-big-3-in-elaborate-sha-1819570591
https://www.theonion.com/mcdonalds-drops-hammurderer-character-from-advertising-1819566355
More recent:
https://www.theonion.com/teen-on-birthright-trip-hadn-t-expected-to-see-so-many-1824265633
https://www.theonion.com/coffee-cultivation-merely-extends-the-system-of-coloni-1826427318
https://www.theonion.com/melania-trump-stumbles-upon-dozens-of-husband-s-hauntin-1819579168
I would totally go there to get coffee and abuse