https://www.theonion.com/this-war-will-destabilize-the-entire-mideast-region-and-1819594296
Aged like a fine, fine wine. It's shocking to believe that this article is 20 years old
https://www.theonion.com/what-i-got-right-about-the-iraq-war-1850249194
This one is also good but super depressing
https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036
"What I saw at Denny's made me realize how much I have overestimated the American people"
Literally :obama-apartment: but actually reasonable response this time.
it's an op-ed written by a hamster: "Me and this Squeaky Wheel are Pulling an All-Nighter"
https://www.theonion.com/this-squeaky-wheel-and-i-are-pulling-an-all-nighter-1819584730
It's only a favorite of mine because of how timeless it is, but the subject matter remains deeply depressing.
https://www.theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-r-1848971668
Some older classics:
https://www.theonion.com/u-s-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths-1819571445
https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-overturns-car-1819564540
https://www.theonion.com/dna-evidence-frees-man-from-zoo-1819569243
https://www.theonion.com/report-nations-gentrified-neighborhoods-threatened-by-1819569723
https://www.theonion.com/stephon-marbury-embroils-celtics-big-3-in-elaborate-sha-1819570591
https://www.theonion.com/mcdonalds-drops-hammurderer-character-from-advertising-1819566355
More recent:
https://www.theonion.com/teen-on-birthright-trip-hadn-t-expected-to-see-so-many-1824265633
https://www.theonion.com/coffee-cultivation-merely-extends-the-system-of-coloni-1826427318
https://www.theonion.com/melania-trump-stumbles-upon-dozens-of-husband-s-hauntin-1819579168
“Welcome to Starbucks, you fucking bourgeois pig,” said barista Alexandra Balvin, delivering the greeting in lockstep with 180,000 Starbucks workers across the nation who were suddenly sporting camouflage-printed aprons, hanging up Che Guevara posters, and writing “Imperialist Swine” or “AmeriKKKan” on customers’ coffee cups.
I would totally go there to get coffee and abuse
https://www.theonion.com/congested-values-1819590506
https://www.theonion.com/bum-rush-hour-1846606314
https://www.theonion.com/eric-adams-killed-by-vigilante-after-acting-erratic-as-1850404866
They quit being funny some time in Obama's second term. There was this element of bitterness and spite that crept into their articles and they just weren't fun any more. Trump, of course, broke them the same way he did all liberal brains. Now they just spit and hiss, which is no fun at all.
Favorites? Probably the best of the gangsta accountant articles. Or A Room of One's Own, which was a great account of what it was like being a trailer trash housewife who really liked scrapbooking and votive candles.
