As a matter of fact, don't make eye contact, and generally avoid being in my field of view. Until I've had my coffee that is.
I will walk into the office with my retinue, single file, each man and woman armed and trained in the ways of ritual combat. You will address only the lowest ranking among them. You may ask them how my day has been. They will answer either in the affirmative, with a singular nod, or in the negative with a backhand slap. It will likely be demanded of you that you relinquish any food items or jewelry in your possession. But only if I haven't had that coffee though. Because then I'm just a normal guy you can talk to, no big deal.
I may on occasion be surrounded by DARK SWIRLS of WARP ENERGY which appear UNNATURAL and REFLECT NO LIGHT WHATSOEVER. If you approach, one may begin chasing you. Upon catching you it will begin feeding on your happiest memories. Escape is not likely. So you best wait until I've had my coffee before you talk to me!
One telltale sign that I haven't yet had my coffee is that plants nearby me are rapidly wilting. The same will obviously happen to your intestinal flora if you get too near, causing immediate health complications. After I have ingested my morning coffee however I am able to remain in the vicinity of plants with no deleterious consequences.
My employment contract stipulates that I am not held liable for anything I do between when I walk into the office and after I have finished my first cup of coffee. That's right I can do anything during that window and HR will back me up. So really just totally avoid me until I've had my morning coffee
I bought a mug that has "not until I've had my adrenochrome" on it from the qanon anonymous store
The CIA subverting my commune's coffee supply set the movement back 30 years.
I understand this though, during morning standup I'm just saying words. If they happen contain a coherent thought or have any relation with reality is entirely up to chance.
Some people take an hour or two and some stimulant before all cylinders start firing. It's not necessarily an anti-social thing.
I may on occasion be surrounded by DARK SWIRLS of WARP ENERGY which appear UNNATURAL and REFLECT NO LIGHT WHATSOEVER. If you approach, one may begin chasing you. Upon catching you it will begin feeding on your happiest memories. Escape is not likely.
This is just corporate systems integration software development, to be fair. Every day, I feel a little more like Frodo Baggins as he's being overtaken by the One Ring, except instead of Mount Doom, it's goddamned fucking SalesFarce and SAP. I wouldn't be surprised if some numbnuts decides to add Dynamics into the mix because "wE'rE a MiCrOsOfT sHoP nOw."
I imagine you have seen lots of "REST APIs" which are just RPC nightmares that shit out JSON instead of XML
There's those (and my team has shat out a few), and then there's one that's an RPC nightmare that uses XML but somehow isn't remotely close to being SOAP or REST, because the vendor just did the laziest possible homegrown implementation that they could get away with in Java EE.
It's bad enough that I regularly "joke" about moving to COBOL development for my mental health's sake. I need to get the hell out before I really do have a meltdown.
I use the excuse that I haven't had my morning coffee yet when I wasn't listening to the meeting because I was playing ff14 instead of paying attention. Works every time
