Stay strong comrade! I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this.

I think it's important to remember that we live in actual hellworld and none of this shit is your fault. I try to remind myself of that every day.

Self-compassion is the only thing that kept me from going back to depression. I have a lot of experience with the Big Sad but I'm wary of giving unsolicited advice, feel free to hit me up if you wanna talk