• BeamBrain [he/him]
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago
    CW: SA

    Got sexually assaulted by one of my bullies back in high school - he started grinding against me while I was getting my books from my locker.

    That was the worst it got, but I dealt with a good amount of similar shit when I was in high school. For years afterward, whenever I saw someone coming toward me in a hallway, I'd instinctively put distance between us so I wouldn't be in arm's reach when they passed.

    Some other behaviors I learned during that time in my life:

    • Sharing your interests is a waste of time. Don't talk about yourself. It gives people weapons to use against you.
    • Don't look too obviously happy - don't smile too broadly or laugh, because it'll give someone an opening to ridicule you.
    • Socializing with others is high risk and low reward. Even if you do well, it's just kind of tolerable, and if you fuck up even a little, the other person will use it as license for years to hurt you at every opportunity.
    • You're only really safe when you're alone or with very close friends. You must carefully monitor your every word, gesture, and action around people you don't know well.

     

    CW: Suicidal ideation

    I think this has a lot to do with why I often struggle with thoughts that my existence is an imposition and a burden on everyone else around me. Sometimes I even get the sense that I'm some sort of cosmic mistake - that I never should have been born, and that every second of my life is a crime and a transgression against decent, normal people.