Got sexually assaulted by one of my bullies back in high school - he started grinding against me while I was getting my books from my locker.
That was the worst it got, but I dealt with a good amount of similar shit when I was in high school. For years afterward, whenever I saw someone coming toward me in a hallway, I'd instinctively put distance between us so I wouldn't be in arm's reach when they passed.
Some other behaviors I learned during that time in my life:
Sharing your interests is a waste of time. Don't talk about yourself. It gives people weapons to use against you.
Don't look too obviously happy - don't smile too broadly or laugh, because it'll give someone an opening to ridicule you.
Socializing with others is high risk and low reward. Even if you do well, it's just kind of tolerable, and if you fuck up even a little, the other person will use it as license for years to hurt you at every opportunity.
You're only really safe when you're alone or with very close friends. You must carefully monitor your every word, gesture, and action around people you don't know well.
CW: Suicidal ideation
I think this has a lot to do with why I often struggle with thoughts that my existence is an imposition and a burden on everyone else around me. Sometimes I even get the sense that I'm some sort of cosmic mistake - that I never should have been born, and that every second of my life is a crime and a transgression against decent, normal people.
CW: SA
Got sexually assaulted by one of my bullies back in high school - he started grinding against me while I was getting my books from my locker.
That was the worst it got, but I dealt with a good amount of similar shit when I was in high school. For years afterward, whenever I saw someone coming toward me in a hallway, I'd instinctively put distance between us so I wouldn't be in arm's reach when they passed.
Some other behaviors I learned during that time in my life:
CW: Suicidal ideation
I think this has a lot to do with why I often struggle with thoughts that my existence is an imposition and a burden on everyone else around me. Sometimes I even get the sense that I'm some sort of cosmic mistake - that I never should have been born, and that every second of my life is a crime and a transgression against decent, normal people.
I for one am happy to have you on our website :)
Thank you