I went from being a happy kid that smiled all the time, enjoyed drawing and had several friends to a pathetic adult with no talents, passion, creativity, friends or a job. Just a worthless and unlovable failure. And recently it's gotten so bad that I've started cutting myself and contemplating suicide. I just don't believe I have what it takes to get my life together, sadly.

  • HexcraftDirtFarmer
    ·
    3 months ago

    I don't have a magic bullet solution for you and you know that. I hope things start to feel better, but I flatly refuse to promise things will actually get better because I'm in my mid 30s and both the world and my life have, on balance, trended hard into the "perpetually worse" category.

    Some smartass once said the only philosophical question is suicide. I think he was being a smartass but there's a point there: Once you accept you want to live you can start looking for meaningful change, or comforting things in the present.

    I have no idea what that looks like for you.

    Try an example thru myself, skip if you don't wanna hear about my problems and what gives me grounding to hold it together, it's not especially inspiring:

    spoiler

    I'm mid 30s, trans, except only my boyfriend really knows that because if I started actually transitioning I'm fairly certain I'd die in this sundown town of 500. I was one of those prodigy kids who was supposed to be raised out of poverty into the elite and indoctrinated that way, right up until I tried to kill myself at 16 and got charged with attempted murder of myself and arson. Long story short I make 900 USD a month post-CoVid (2300 back before Walmart laid me off in the brief period between wages doubling overnight and cutting staff in half), I don't have a bathroom because I live in a barn I stuck a sink and electricity in, it was 98 degrees inside today, and I still see Aaron Bushnell die in my head a few times a day, to say nothing of my own trauma.

    I'm not trying be a shitty competor here, despite leading with that. This is setting for "There is no hope for a better future, or present, so what do you find to live for" and for me it's my pets. I have my old dog Blue, four cats, and a new puppy cause Blue is getting on and needed a puppy to boost her spirits, mine, and teach the puppy the ropes before she's gone. It's making something worth eating out of 2-4 dollars a day, my favourite (tho it's a stupid amount of work and my rolling pin broke and I need to get a new one) is to make naan or tortillas, and this delightful mush of rice, lentils, peppers and curry-style seasoning. Delicious, gorgeous, and it feels so good to say to myself "If this were served at a restaurant it'd cost 20 dollars a plate and I made two days' calories for a fraction of the price" - I got lucky and met my now boyfriend on a Harvest Moon Let's Player's discord, he's even more ratfucked than I am on money being on disability and all so I don't know if there even is a future where we can move near one another, but god the company has changed the way I feel so much. Just having someone to turn to when you do a cool game thing or sent a picture of dinner or whatever, excellent change.

    And that's kinda it - you live for the relationships you have, human or pet, and the actions you find a way to make meaning from and take some pride or joy in. There's no shortcuts worth taking, self delusion into false joy is just liberalism and I don't think msot people that make it to this site can just go to talk therapy and decide to blame themselves for their lives, chose to ignore society and the world at large being a dumpster fire, while believing it is magically fine and the themselves are millionaires in the making. If you live in a city, join any leftist org you can find, clannish internet quibbles aside just good lord it's nice to have people around.