Parents raised me to help them with my younger sister, continually told me I wasn't doing "enough" or that what I did wasn't good, then all three proceeded to act befuddled when I hit puberty and developed a deep depression, despite knowing that my best friend died in 7th grade. They then proceed to treat me like I'm a fucking albatross around their neck, and proceed to blame me for them getting divorced, the family falling apart, having to move, etc. Now my sister and dad won't have anything to do with me because I came out as trans, and my mom acts like her occasional help with food and bills makes up for her hitting me and yelling at me as a child.

So I'm stuck in this headspace where my own internal monologue is largely just telling me that I am worthless, that i need to be physically punished, and that I only bring those around me down until they get away from me. So I hit myself and curse myself for not being able to follow through on past suicide attempts. I tell my partner she should leave while she can, that I'll only make things worse. I can't even get out of my head enough to do much more than sleep, eat, and bathe.

I hate that I was taught these things. I hate that I can't seem to unlearn it. I hate that it's in my head constantly, and that it only stops if I hurt myself enough. I hate that I'm incapable of accepting compliments. I hate that I've finally got someone in my life i can tell this stuff to, and yet all i do is use it to make her worry and become more distant. I hate that I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I push everyone away and act aloof so that I don't feel comfortable with them. I hate that I'm not sure if I should be transitioning or if I just hate my old self so much I saw it as a potential way out. I hate that all the ideals and plans I had at the start of transition have turned into nothing but ashes in my mouth. I hate how nice I am, how I'm always willing to do whatever just for a little attention. I hate that I'm so eager to try to take care of others when I can barely take care of myself.

I've been through a lot of therapists and medications. Nothing sticks or seems to work, and practically every therapist has the same response of "gee that seems rough, hope things will get better soon!"

I just want it to all be over, and I'm having trouble seeing a way out or through it that isn't the end of my life. Not that I'm going to do that, after the failed hanging I gave up trying that. Too afraid of failing and ending up hospitalized or institutionalized or something.

  • FourteenEyes [he/him]
    ·
    30 days ago

    Sorry you're going through this. meow-hug

    You're depressed and it warps your view of things. People here care about you and many can certainly relate to you. Your family treated you like shit and you deserved better and still deserve better. Your depressive intrusive thoughts are bullshit and you don't have to listen to them. Your people-pleasing tendencies are a survival strategy you learned as a child because your family failed to meet your emotional needs. You're suffering from a lot of shame here, bullshit toxic shame that does nothing but harm you. I strongly suggest you read or listen to Unlearning Shame by Devon Price. It helped me shake some of this shit, and it might give you some helpful insight, or at least distract you from your thoughts. It's on Libgen.

  • UlyssesT [he/him]
    ·
    30 days ago

    So I'm stuck in this headspace where my own internal monologue is largely just telling me that I am worthless

    You weren't born with that, and you didn't put that there. Someone, or a few someones, put that there. It's an energy-draining parasite, an "inner critic" that is present to keep you drained and demoralized when the people that drained and demoralized you can't directly do it themselves. Fuck that.

    Pete Walker's books may very well help you shrink that "inner critic" over time, because it's just a parasite, one you deserve to be rid of if at all possible.

    https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK

    • orshelack [she/her, comrade/them]
      ·
      30 days ago

      Thanks for the advice, I actually have that book on my shelf, just forgot about it after starting in and having trouble. I'll take another look at it, maybe skipping around will help it go down easier.

  • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]
    ·
    30 days ago

    hello ❤️ I was also abused and parentified, and I also struggle with a deep sense of self-loathing. You're not alone. I also have a hard time with compliments, and I also push people away.

    meow-hug

    honestly, I related to pretty much everything you said, except this

    I hate that I'm not sure if I should be transitioning or if I just hate my old self so much I saw it as a potential way out.

    so I think you can at least set this one aside.

    I've wondered if maybe I'm enby because having very short hair and dressing androgynously gave me some gender euphoria, but that's as far as that thinking has gone. Since I know that if we have a self-hatred competition, I will win or at least tie, I think you can rest assured that your transness isn't because you hate yourself. ❤️

    • orshelack [she/her, comrade/them]
      ·
      17 days ago

      Thanks, it really helps to know I'm not alone in those thoughts, and to have others point out how much of it is just trauma and lessons learned badly.

      • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]
        ·
        17 days ago

        our parents grew up in a terrible world, and they inflicted a lot of terrible stuff on us cuddle but together, we can make it through and be okay ❤️