I don't know who I am anymore and I think I just hit rock bottom of this years-long burnout that has crept into my awareness and left me desolate. Had a horrific meltdown a couple days ago where I just broke into a bunch of ragged pieces and started screaming and crying, completely overwhelmed and unable to articulate anything but the agony tearing at my insides. Accidentally pulled out some hair. It was terrifying and raw. I just wanted everything to stop.

I'm trying to find somewhere to get tested for autism but there's so few places around here for adults, and everything I've found seems expensive and time consuming. I am not able to function and it scares me. I'm so tired. I wish I could support myself without the torture of being forced into a self-replicating toxic work environment.

But, I managed to eat today, and even went for a quick walk. I love making things, and I somehow built a mini mimic box from scratch that I finished painting... all while my schoolwork sits half finished and looming. Small things I guess. I'm just trying to take one step at a time. Hugs to everyone struggling, and thank you all for being such a supportive community. Sorry for the rambling sadness.