yeah. one thing that helps is my boyfriend constantly calling me beautiful on my bad days. he's very persuasive, so sometimes i even begin to believe it. <3
i do kinda envy the people that feel safe being openly trans. i'm lucky enough to pass and being openly trans has brought me nothing but grief. i avoid talking about it except to my closest friends.
my transition was weird. in appearance, i seemed to have a weird back and forth. first i started out a twink, then a femboy, then so androgynous that i got hit on by both straight men and women, followed up with passing and not passing intermittently. now it seems im just passing all the time even though I feel like i don't look much different than a year ago when things were stop and go.
looking back on my pics, i obviously look way different 4ish years into hrt. than i did 1st or 2nd year. but its still hard for me to not look at things like my chin or my lips and be like 'MAN'.
i mean the obvious reason that i'd envy the boug is i want a vagina and a boug could get one.
and tbh i wish i could see me the way my boyfriend sees me. he's a very handsome guy, very strong, can throw me across the room very easily. he thinks that i'm way out of his league and has been consistent on that. he thinks i look like a supermodel or something and i just don't see it. i look like a sick person with tremors imo.
yeah i seemed to have issues with spiro so that has been causing me some hormonal issues lately. like my body suddenly decided it didnt like it.
and maybe i can be. like id only know for certain that i had dysmorphia if i got surgeries done i think. if im still angry with my body id accept it was definitely dysmorphia.
hrt makes me feel so good in comparison to how i was before that i know for certain that i am never stopping it, so theres also a chemical dysphoric component to my situation i think
yeah the antiandrogens are kinda gnarly but i worry about messing up my srs if i go for testicle removal before it. i'm just not lucky when it comes to surgeries
yeah they can, i just have bad scarring issues so i fear the worst if its not all in one go
It also means sometimes I’ll drop that I’m trans (because it’s so obvious isn’t it?) and folks will express surprise, which surprises me.
also same. like i had to go to the hospital once for stomach issues and the nurse was absolutely convinced i was pregnant and i kept trying to explain i was trans and she was like 'oh youre starting testosterone? that might be it'. it was funny but i was so bewildered that she knew what trans was and assumed i was the opposite.
i mean thats also how i feel but i just prefer to avoid the conversation altogether if we're not close
good video.
transitioning not being a point-a to point-b thing that ends and presto there you are, seems to me an important part of recognizing yourself for yourself.
that is, "becoming" a [gender] during the transition isnt accurate because you already are that gender, instead what you transition is your presentation, to conform more closely with the idea of that gender.
has any cis person looked in the mirror and said to themself "no, thats quite enough attractiveness for this week, what i really need is some ugly" ?
ups and downs or weeks where self care that ought to have been done didnt get done (shaving sucks) doesnt make someone less who they are.
point being, we all want to look good, whatever that might mean to us, right? falling short of the ideal doesnt invalidate you
yeah, i didnt really mean "beauty" so much as... acceptably gendered appearance? which "normal" has some element of being an acceptable level of attractive, right? so... idk. words, yknow? not-dysphoria works i suppose
"doing is being" is very much what i was speaking to, but obviously there is always some element of "becoming"
thats more or less why dysphoria is a thing, no? a split between outward and inward self image. so "becoming" the inward self by changing the outward.
so in order to be, you do, and in doing so, you become, and then continuing on, you do again, and become something else thats a bit more becoming.
so its all very cyclic, but the common representation is usually a linear sort of thing, which doesnt include that vagary between wasnt and am, where maybe you dont even realise how much you are.
if.. that made sense. idk im not as think as you drunk i am okay.
point being, your experience is yours, so.. yes
edit: and its not even like you need dysphoria to be trans, so some of this definitely doesnt even make sense in that context at all
taking salvia in the gender desert, just to find out you forgot to wear pants and now your book report is late, but thats fine because theres a really cool lizard print skirt that goes swishyswishy.
for sure.
I’m on my second unemployed time this year—the first due to covid closures at the store I worked at, and now, most recently, because I lost my job—and self care has been the first thing to fly out the window. Shaving, nails, hair/makeup, and even changing clothes each day all feel overwhelming, and I had no idea how much that shit was affecting me. The shittiest part is that I haven’t been able to see my therapist for most of this year. Yeah, so it really hit me in the feels when she talked about having to start over, sometimes multiple times.
I did just deactivate my FB, so that’s helping me with the envy thing...but tbh I’m /so/ fucking envious of my trans friends who (from where I sit) pass, and are pretty and sexy, and I feel like I’ll never be good enough at being trans to pass. Obviously that’s my shit, not theirs, but I have yet to see the calming benefits of applying logic to depression/anxiety lol