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  • kristina [she/her]
    ·
    edit-2
    4 years ago

    yeah. one thing that helps is my boyfriend constantly calling me beautiful on my bad days. he's very persuasive, so sometimes i even begin to believe it. <3

    i do kinda envy the people that feel safe being openly trans. i'm lucky enough to pass and being openly trans has brought me nothing but grief. i avoid talking about it except to my closest friends.

      • kristina [she/her]
        ·
        edit-2
        4 years ago

        my transition was weird. in appearance, i seemed to have a weird back and forth. first i started out a twink, then a femboy, then so androgynous that i got hit on by both straight men and women, followed up with passing and not passing intermittently. now it seems im just passing all the time even though I feel like i don't look much different than a year ago when things were stop and go.

        looking back on my pics, i obviously look way different 4ish years into hrt. than i did 1st or 2nd year. but its still hard for me to not look at things like my chin or my lips and be like 'MAN'.

        i mean the obvious reason that i'd envy the boug is i want a vagina and a boug could get one.

        and tbh i wish i could see me the way my boyfriend sees me. he's a very handsome guy, very strong, can throw me across the room very easily. he thinks that i'm way out of his league and has been consistent on that. he thinks i look like a supermodel or something and i just don't see it. i look like a sick person with tremors imo.

          • kristina [she/her]
            ·
            4 years ago

            yeah i seemed to have issues with spiro so that has been causing me some hormonal issues lately. like my body suddenly decided it didnt like it.

            and maybe i can be. like id only know for certain that i had dysmorphia if i got surgeries done i think. if im still angry with my body id accept it was definitely dysmorphia.

            hrt makes me feel so good in comparison to how i was before that i know for certain that i am never stopping it, so theres also a chemical dysphoric component to my situation i think

              • kristina [she/her]
                ·
                4 years ago

                yeah the antiandrogens are kinda gnarly but i worry about messing up my srs if i go for testicle removal before it. i'm just not lucky when it comes to surgeries

                  • kristina [she/her]
                    ·
                    4 years ago

                    yeah they can, i just have bad scarring issues so i fear the worst if its not all in one go

      • kristina [she/her]
        ·
        edit-2
        4 years ago

        It also means sometimes I’ll drop that I’m trans (because it’s so obvious isn’t it?) and folks will express surprise, which surprises me.

        also same. like i had to go to the hospital once for stomach issues and the nurse was absolutely convinced i was pregnant and i kept trying to explain i was trans and she was like 'oh youre starting testosterone? that might be it'. it was funny but i was so bewildered that she knew what trans was and assumed i was the opposite.

      • kristina [she/her]
        ·
        4 years ago

        i mean thats also how i feel but i just prefer to avoid the conversation altogether if we're not close