I haven't felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don't feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.
Does this sound like it's related to neurodivergence? I'm 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven't done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.
Not in the sleepy way, but I'm either lying in bed or sitting at my computer most of the time because I lack the volition to do otherwise.
Have you considered wether you might be clinically depressed? What you're describing could kinda sound like it. It's not a big deal if you are. I got the diagnosis and some anti-depressants and it made my life so much better.
I have treatment resistant depression that various different antidepressants and antipsychotics over the years hasn't helped with.
Might be worth investigating an ADHD and/or autism diagnosis as well just to rule those out. I had terrible depression from age 16-29. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 29 and got on stimulant medications and it greatly improved my depression symptoms. I think it was a combo of increased dopamine from the meds and finally understanding how my brain works and why certain things are hard for me.
I am still on SSRIs and probably always will be, but the dark thoughts are so much less frequent and intense these days.
I am very sorry to hear that comrade
I wish I could help you in some way