And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
'having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.'
my first year or two of leftism was hanging out in online forums and reading 'easy' theory by Chomsky and other similar palatable modern theorists, who aren't exactly Marxist with a capital M, but have valid critiques of capitalism. Naomi Klein, David Graeber, even Michael Moore.
I'd recommend 'How The World Works' by Chomsky. The title makes it clear what it's about. It's my go to recommendation to anyone who's curious. The whole book is taken directly from his radio appearances and the like, so it's totally conversational and written for maximum digestibility. Each chapter is very short, sometimes even just a page or two iirc. He gets into the big debates, without throwing jargon around.
For me, it was illuminating, and made me pretty angry with the world and the lies I'd been told. This drove me to go further and further. I found what interests me most: imperialism. I've spent about 3 years reading about it, and will probably read about it until the day I die. I can't get enough of it. I've even written plays about it. I could talk about it for days on end. And yet three years ago, I probably couldn't have even put Congo or Venezuela on a map.
All this is to say that it'll all come to you. And that I think a knowledge of imperialism is the key to unlocking Marxism.