And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
Not everybody is a debate bro. That's okay.
Not everybody comes to the conclusion that being a communist or socialist or humanist or antifascist through rigorous theory reading and debate. It can be okay to take these things on faith alone if that's all you've got right now.
Learning theory and reading/watching debates can be good for hardening your position against potential self doubt. Learning theory can be good in showing you that "Nope, nothing that I'm thinking or feeling is new. I'm not alone. Here's what others that came before me learned and have passed down as an act of solidarity with a future that they will never see." But it can be difficult to get started, keep up with it, or retain what the lessons were. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Shit, I've spent the last two weeks trying to read Marx's, Capital - Volume 1. Wanna know how far I am?
Page 39.
...
...
...
And the actual text doesn't start until page 27 of the copy I'm reading.
You're fine comrade. We're all libs here.