And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
This is why you're supposed to join an org. Most serious orgs have an onboarding process where you'll be taught basic precepts and foundational texts of the ideology embraced by that particular org. You'll also be assigned to do work by the org, and be build up to become someone who embodies the ideals of the org. You have imposter syndrome because you haven't done anything to advance the emancipatory project, and you haven't done anything to advance the emancipatory project because you are not part of an org.
Unless you're some rich multimillionaire quietly funding underground Maoist insurgent cells, you'll not be able to contribute unless you're part of an org. If there are no suitable orgs near you, your responsibility is to either create your own org or support other orgs. Creating your own org is self-explanatory in a "draw the rest of the fucking owl" sense. Supporting other orgs can range from financially supporting them to doing agiprop for them. Even if you're the only leftist in a sea of Christofascists, you can still contribute to the cause. But you can't do this on your own. None of us can.