One of my friends is kind of traumatized from it. I’m fine, though I’m going to need a new blanket/sleeping bag because he was really cold and I let him cover up with my $80 sleeping bag, and, you see, one of the symptoms of precipitated opioid withdrawal is, you shit yourself. I’m not upset though. I’m going to make a fundraising post in /c/mutual_aid later to cover the cost of a new blanket or whatever, and if I raise enough money I’m going to kick him some.
It hurts so fucking much the way people treat me when I talk about them. Thank you.
I think that there’s a decent chance I’m not being delusional when I say I think they aren’t gone forever. They aren’t that petty—they said so themselves when I told them I was scared they wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore over something. And I can see why they wouldn’t want to be friends with me. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone as weird and annoying as I was. Plus I lied to them.
What hurts is being treated like a stalker, or just creepy.
The worst parts of all this are not knowing if they’re OK, and that they will spend the rest of their life thinking the world is all grey. I’m so deeply enamored and I so deeply admire them and I can’t stand the fact that I will never get to know them and be a part of their life, but those things take the back seat.
I feel you. I don't think it's overly dramatic to compare the loss of relationships like that to dealing with death. The grief process is real and people are so important to each other's sanity and sense of acceptability. I dunno my thoughts are muddled on this but my point with the death thing is, it always hurts but the pangs get further and further apart and we get more practiced at dealing with it as time goes on.
I can see how it would appear stalkerish or creepy to people who haven't experienced it, there's obviously an overlap of obsessive thinking and whatnot. But fuck it, you are/were just being honest and vulnerable. I kind of regret not affirming the validity of your experience sooner. I've never been that open and vulnerable about my losses except with a couple of very close people.
Anyway you saved a life today. I hope it helps you see how valuable you are, just as you are.