Even when I get bouts of loneliness, the desire to make friends is quickly snuffed out when I proceed to think about all the effort it would take to not only go out and meet people, but how big of a pain in the ass it is to be a present friend who doesn't let connections just fade away.
Like, I know I'm capable of maintaining friendships if I care enough about someone, but in practice have neither interest nor energy enough to do it even when it's something I know I want in the abstract. None of my hobbies are really social in nature, so they haven't been a vector to meeting people I might actually be interested in knowing.
I was thinking this might just be a depression thing, but I've been like this my whole life, and the only close friends I've ever had were all a result of people intentionally becoming my friend, putting in all the initial effort until I became attached enough to care about staying friends. I do kinda feel like an asshole for this, like what kinda socialist is this much of a recluse? But I'm not really sure where I'd even start on working through this.
Nah I'm right there with you. I have like 3 good friends who understand this is just who I am.
I was talking to one I lived with in college for a couple years, and we got talking about a mutual friend who sends them Snapchats like once a week or something. We hadn't spoken or messaged for like 6 months prior, and it made me feel kinda bad so I said something along the lines of "sorry we don't talk enough". They said "that's fine, you're you, not them"
If people really understand you, you being a reclusive person shouldn't have any affect on that friendship. It definitely takes a certain kind of person to understand this, but no real friend should make you feel bad about who you are and you shouldn't feel bad about it either.