Even when I get bouts of loneliness, the desire to make friends is quickly snuffed out when I proceed to think about all the effort it would take to not only go out and meet people, but how big of a pain in the ass it is to be a present friend who doesn't let connections just fade away.
Like, I know I'm capable of maintaining friendships if I care enough about someone, but in practice have neither interest nor energy enough to do it even when it's something I know I want in the abstract. None of my hobbies are really social in nature, so they haven't been a vector to meeting people I might actually be interested in knowing.
I was thinking this might just be a depression thing, but I've been like this my whole life, and the only close friends I've ever had were all a result of people intentionally becoming my friend, putting in all the initial effort until I became attached enough to care about staying friends. I do kinda feel like an asshole for this, like what kinda socialist is this much of a recluse? But I'm not really sure where I'd even start on working through this.
Ayooooo
Is it growing up, living under extremely atomizing and quickly collapsing conditions, or all of the above?
Nah I'm right there with you. I have like 3 good friends who understand this is just who I am.
I was talking to one I lived with in college for a couple years, and we got talking about a mutual friend who sends them Snapchats like once a week or something. We hadn't spoken or messaged for like 6 months prior, and it made me feel kinda bad so I said something along the lines of "sorry we don't talk enough". They said "that's fine, you're you, not them"
If people really understand you, you being a reclusive person shouldn't have any affect on that friendship. It definitely takes a certain kind of person to understand this, but no real friend should make you feel bad about who you are and you shouldn't feel bad about it either.
It's something I really struggle with i think because im autistic and get drained from masking, especially after graduating college and working full time but recently (the past 2 weeks lol) I've been better at texting my one friend like everyday.
It helps that I've known him basically my entire life and even if I didn't answer him for like a year, he wouldn't take it personally and I wouldn't either if he did the same for me
It's hard for me with other people because I don't know if they secretly don't like me and don't want to outright say it so they're trying to make it clear they're not interested without actually saying it and I also feel like most people like me more when I put less effort into friendships when I really want more close friends
Also with being autistic people i dont know well assume my weirdest is because I'm trying to be passive aggressive or something or they don't like me when they know me more because im weird and the strong sense of justice i have gets in the way of wanting to be friends with a lot of people
It's like the worst combo of not liking people, lacking social skills and energy, and other people not liking me
TLDR: autism
I just can't find any friendships to even begin putting any effort into.
a lot of the time i compulsively push people away or let the relationship drift, i think it's down to a fear of rejection or abandonment, if I don't let people get close then they can't abandon me. thankfully managed to overcome this with my 2 romantic relationships but i tend to do it with newer friendships or queerplatonic deals. then once the drift happens a bit i just assume they don't like me anymore. it's been a difficult behaviour to change, but I did manage to reach out to a queer friend i hadn't talked to for over a year recently and we've been chatting again which is nice.
I get that people are busy but how am I supposed to casually suggest activities or ask how people are, get no response, and keep trying over and over again? I spent around a decade making sure to remember someone's birthday and try to build a friendship with them, they ghosted me for over 1.5 years through multiple contact methods until I thought they died from COVID. then they pop up again with a half-ass comment and pretend nothing is different? I thought you were dead!
I can barely put in the effort to reply "yes" without even reading the body of the post.
never have.. i always thought something was wrong with me because once people are out of sight they're out of mind. there's one friend from high school that will ping me once or twice a year on steam, and there's a couple guys i worked with a few years back that will text a few times a year and i'll go back to that work to see them but other than that i have 0 friends and it doesn't really bother me
I've been grappling with this idea a lot in the past year after I decided that its one of the things I wanted to work on. And oh god is it fucking tough. Especially since it feels like everyone in my life that I want to stay in touch with seem to expect that I just won't put in the effort or don't want to stay connected.
Most of the friends I have made have been at work, so while we're working together it feels relatively effortless. Relatively because I'm still really reserved around people. One of the friends that I'm trying to reconnect with was someone who pretty much brute force made me open up to them lol. I'm exaggerating a bit, but he really had a way of getting people to open up. He used to walk with me on my way home with his gf, who also worked with us and I became friends with as well, and eventaully we started going around town for dinner. Then the pandemic hit and they weren't scheduled for work until they ended up just leaving for greener pastures. We don't really talk all that much anymore and I can't help but think that I should really put in more effort into reaching out. But I also start thinking about whether or not people really want to talk with me.
I've also recently tried reconnecting with someone else that I used to work closely with and we also became really good friends, but in spite of my best efforts it just feels like she doesn't really want to reconnect. I don't want to just give up because I'd feel worse for it.
Just know, there are millions and millions of people out there who just don't have any friendships or socialize regularly. They're not on social media, they're not making calls and throwing parties. They just go about their life doing what they want or what they've trained themselves to do and are perfectly content for the most part. I have special insight in my community and get to interact with this crowd (mostly everyone gets there by senior age, even if they're going to reunions their houses are off-limits).
I think it's all perfectly healthy and normal. You only get one life so live it how you feel fulfilled. The only thing to really worry about is if you're avoiding relationships in any negative form like narcissism (are you only maintaining relationships you have deemed valuable?) As long as you're not spreading misery, you do you boo boo.
They just go about their life doing what they want or what they've trained themselves to do and are perfectly content for the most part.
I've seen what social isolation does to people and it's never struck me as good. People gradually lose the ability to communicate with the outside world, they tend to suffer economically as they are, and they develop any number of psychological issues. I've known people who developed anxiety, depression, OCD, even schizophrenia.
Some folks manage better than others, but it always takes a toll.
As long as you're not spreading misery, you do you boo boo.
Internalized misery isn't something I'd applaud or celebrate.
People gradually lose the ability to communicate with the outside world
How do you mean?
I've known people who developed anxiety, depression, OCD, even schizophrenia.
oh hey, I've developed the first 3 from being socially isolated for like nearly 20 years now
