Even when I get bouts of loneliness, the desire to make friends is quickly snuffed out when I proceed to think about all the effort it would take to not only go out and meet people, but how big of a pain in the ass it is to be a present friend who doesn't let connections just fade away.
Like, I know I'm capable of maintaining friendships if I care enough about someone, but in practice have neither interest nor energy enough to do it even when it's something I know I want in the abstract. None of my hobbies are really social in nature, so they haven't been a vector to meeting people I might actually be interested in knowing.
I was thinking this might just be a depression thing, but I've been like this my whole life, and the only close friends I've ever had were all a result of people intentionally becoming my friend, putting in all the initial effort until I became attached enough to care about staying friends. I do kinda feel like an asshole for this, like what kinda socialist is this much of a recluse? But I'm not really sure where I'd even start on working through this.
I get that people are busy but how am I supposed to casually suggest activities or ask how people are, get no response, and keep trying over and over again? I spent around a decade making sure to remember someone's birthday and try to build a friendship with them, they ghosted me for over 1.5 years through multiple contact methods until I thought they died from COVID. then they pop up again with a half-ass comment and pretend nothing is different? I thought you were dead!