I might be way off the mark here but the more I think about self crit and my own neurodivergence (maybe I'm been a bit black and white about this) the idea of having a sub where people go to self flagrate over their mistakes to signal to us they are reformed?

I dunno chat.

I've lurked here a while and while some of the drama on here has been funny or sad or anger inducing, at no point did I ever feel satisfied reading a self crit post. I never felt "oh the sights clean now time to make an account".

I butted heads with incels on here immediately and while those people genuinely made me uncomfortable i don't wish to see a selfcrit from them. In fact it would frankly appear disingenuous and virtue signally to me.

Like if people get called out then it's on them to go do the homework, I don't expect to have to mark it though. The people I butted heads with about that incel thread got comments removed and temp banned. That seems reasonable to me. I'll die inside if I see a self crit on it.

I dunno I think there's a lot of neurodivergence on this site, myself included. We try to make it a safe space for everyone which is great.

I think what I'm worried is that a culture exists on here where if a ND makes a mistake, they may feel cut off and left out from a community they need for socialising and support unless they make a self flagrating post further signposting their mistakes.

There's a very niche and cool silly culture on this site. For a lot of ND people who don't have supportive irl group I can't imagine how it would feel to make fuck up and then feel locked out or lost this clique. I don't think making a new account is the answer either because people's accounts and history are representatives of who they are so to lose that for some might be like losing their identity as well. Maybe I'm projecting here but if I really embarrassed myself and didn't think people would talk to me as much on here because of it and that the only way to fix it was a self crit post. That's scary.

And then when i see self crit posts I feel like "damn nobody needed this, it feels uncomfortable to see this" like them getting dog piled and a temp ban wasn't enough punishment.

Like it felt maybe relevant when the admins/mods did some self crit on their behaviour but like they run the site so that kinda makes sense (not really).... or it might have if they all did it, so far I only saw like a few and even then it felt uncomfortable to read their comments.

Clearly they made a mistake and having to convince faceless terminally online people that they had the sites best interests at heart was sad to watch given they clearly did care cos of the graft they put into the site.

I dunno I don't see the point in this comm personally but I'm bored, my tamagotchi just died and I have always kinda thought this since the comm appeared so like yeah, let me know what I'm missing because I'm not the world and obviously my single view will be bias and full of holes or missing context.

Until then the sub feels a bit like todd asking cheaters on fo76 to write an apology letter and it feels like a bit of a toxic power dynamic to have it on the site kinda looooming as an example of what happens to the naughty hexbears.

Edit: lmao I've deleted and undeleted this twice cos I'm scared of getting grief but then I'm kinda proving my point doing that so I'll be a big girl and leave it up.

  • Verenata [she/her]
    ·
    4 hours ago

    I don't know, tbh I'd never heard of that till just now. Maybe? It feels like me but also am I not just a bit of a narcissist main character hero complex who thinks she knows how people feel, assume she's right and runs with it and then talks about it? I also have negative confidence so I'll probably default to assuming it's a me problem. I worried about the above the whole time I was writing the post.

    Full disclosure I think I did, like I don't find public displays fun but as I mentioned in another comment, self crit feels like a personal journey to me so that's probably the bias here that makes me feel how I feel about the comm and for me it just pops up in the local comms posts list occasionally and I'm like "oh God what did someone do now".

    Yeah and honestly me talking stuff out in this thread is exactly that! It people genuinely feel it helps then who am I to say otherwise. I mentioned in a few other comments about how I worry having a signpost to reform kinda removes the personal initiative/drive/want to change that I think people need to actually self crit successfully but I recognise that's pure strawmanning.

    That's fair, I think honestly if it helps then fair play. As long as people are feeling an expectation to do it then great. (She says like the inspector who came to check everything is up to board on hexbear).

    Tone check: awwwh thank you and it's so nice to have chats on here, I'm not dependent on this site for socialising so it's no big if I leave but the idea of upsetting others and being seen as a bully makes me physically sick so it's nice to have chats on here without feeling scared that ill make a fool of myself.

    • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]
      ·
      3 hours ago

      I don't know, tbh I'd never heard of that till just now

      here's a definition to get an idea if you haven't already looked it up:

      The hyper-empathy syndrome is a profound emotional response where individuals deeply feel and sometimes even physically experience the emotions of those around them

      link

      I consider myself hyper-empathetic. I used to (still do sometimes) have physical responses watching embarrassing things happen in movies! They're not real whyahggfhrhbw (but also how do people enjoy embarrassment humor like "Meet the Parents"!?).

      thinks she knows how people feel, assume she's right and runs with it

      If that is what you do often, don't beat yourself up about it, a common pitfall of empaths is projection. I am really attuned to people around me for example but since i "feel" other's emotions so strongly it's easy to forget they are just mine. When i read your post i was "projecting" how I'd feel in your imagined place. If i got close it's still just guessing in the end.

      Tone: rereading and now worried i'm being rude and over-explaining. But excited to talk about this as i usually just navel-gaze about it

      • Verenata [she/her]
        ·
        3 hours ago

        Honestly that is me, I feel physically sick when i see people embarass themselves and I feel sick and cringe for them as a easy example but I always thought that was normal for everyone? You telling me that me feeling people's grief and getting sad with them cos I can only imagine how hard it must be if I put myself in their shoes? Is that not just empathy? If you feel it that intensly thats a different thing? Omg that's so wild.

        Literally!! And to compensate I try to remind myself of that all the time and then completely ignore the very obviously social cues because I'm like "no just because they seem angry doesn't mean they are, I'm just assuming their feelings again!!!!" And omg it's such a chore to be me lmao.

        Tone: not at all it's nice and I'm learning too!

        • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]
          ·
          3 hours ago

          Honestly that is me, I feel physically sick when i see people embarass themselves Yup

          Is that not just empathy? If you feel it that intensly thats a different thing?

          Yup! Most people don't feel physically ill. Iirc 'cognition-type empathy' or "being able to place yourself in another person's shoes" (don't quote me) is more the average. While non-HE types feel levels of physical empathy too, It's not as visceral a thing as the gut-twisting goose-pimple hair-raisin' painish(?) thing, they don't feel the emotional weight of the room or the emotional sponging HE people can experience.

          But we get to deeply share in our friend's joy's too so it's not all bad times eh? Though it often hurts i have come to terms with and even kinda like being this way, i almost think it's weird that people don't

          Tone: chillin'

          • Verenata [she/her]
            ·
            3 hours ago

            Omg I do get the physical stuff baaaaddd and I hate it!!!

            But also yeah totally when our friends are happy we become happy and maybe I'm not an extrovert and I just keep getting energised by feeling others energy?

            I think for me if it was just hyper empathy I'd love it, I love that intense raw experience of life and emotions, what makes it hard is when that intersects with my BPD and creates spirals of convincing myself I'm hated and everyone will abandon me. That's a dooooozy.

            Tone: fr fr napstablook-chill

            • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]
              ·
              2 hours ago

              convincing myself I'm hated and everyone will abandon me. That's a dooooozy

              I wish i could help you with this, but if just telling you 'don't worry!' was enough my psychologist would need a second job lol. Luckily all you have to do is give everything of yourself without putting too much of the weight of that self on anyone, ever and they won't. <--this is a joke about how i feel about my version of this lifelong anxiety with my friends)

              Anyway! I gotta go eat now, imma press you to take a look into hyper-empathy so you can kinda understand whether or not it feels like you. Learning about it was helpful to me anyway, gave me a bit of context, and helped me manage it a bit, if really just a bit, an' if you'll excuse any oversteppin? I want that for you.

              Context: friendship offer, hunger.

              • Verenata [she/her]
                ·
                2 hours ago

                Oh no don't be daft you do not have to or feel obliged too.

                I'm in a good place with it when I'm in a healthy routine and such. It's when life takes the piss I lose control of my thinking usually when my anxiety triggers it. It's all a process I understand now with some help, it's on me to get my routine back to support what I was taught but thank you and honestly learning about this hyper empathy has really helped as it will help me control and notice when I'm doing it!! Thank you thank you.

                Go eat nerd.

                Tone: happy!!

                • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]
                  ·
                  2 hours ago

                  Not obliged i want to so there. Interesting people interest me and youre interesting now BE MY FRIEND aaaaaaa

                  Tone: joking but BMF

                      • Verenata [she/her]
                        ·
                        1 hour ago

                        She looks really cool, like im like i'll probably like her but I have not watched enough of that anime to see her become a character honestly.

                        We stan our yandere Queens, let women have some fun for once jeeeez.