I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.
I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.
I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.
This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.
Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.
EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.
I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.
Bye for now.
I am looking at other roles, getting back into commercial new construction. The city I live in now has an opening for plumbing/mechanical inspection, and Ive got an application in there. Both of those have well defined start/stop times, job roles, etc. The pay is about the same.
Problem is, I have cancer and a couple other health problems. I cannot have a 3 month lapse in medications. I’m not sure I’ll survive three months sans insurance. My insurance also makes the meds ‘affordable’. I’m saving some money, but I’m nowhere near ready to pay out of pocket yet.
Work is likely the bulk of why I feel the way I do currently, but even then it’s some of my personal life. I have never felt more disconnected from my fellow humans. Thinking back recently - I don’t hold doors for people any more. I don’t say thank you to strangers. I don’t look people in the eye any more. I’ve quit helping neighbors. I have withdrawn as much as I can without it affecting my ability to pay bills and keep the roof over my children’s heads. I no longer recognize myself.
Something is wrong and I’m too stupid to see what it is so I can fix it and I’m desperate to change it.
I don’t even know where I am going with this, or even why I’m doing this. I am essentially a stranger to everyone here. I am sorry for this.
You’ve no reason to apologise mate. I’m sorry I can’t offer more help.
But I think that the reason you’re feeling like this is cause of how much you’re working, guilt of how little you’re seeing your children (You’re providing for them and legitimately doing what you can, so you shouldn’t feel guilt. You aren’t one of those dads who sees his children when he can be arsed.), and your illness. How is your cancer treatment going and how far through the process are you?
This is my fourth bout with skin cancer. Two basal, one squamous, but this one is Merkels cell sarcoma. It’s localized to my shoulder. I just recently had the punch biopsy, and MOHS surgery to remove it. Right now I’m not on anything exotic yet, but I may end up having the lymph nodes in my neck dissected. That’ll be coming up in the next few weeks. I think it was caught early (it was found on a three month checkup from just having basal cell removed from my cheek/nose) enough that I’ll survive, but merkel cell is fucking aggressive once it take hold. That’s not to mention the dysplasia/Barretts esophagus issues I have. That one is gonna be the one that kills me when it goes tits up.
Good news is I blew thru my out of pocket, out of pocket max, and out of network deductibles about six months ago so most of the visits are fully covered, 90% of my meds are covered fully. My employer offers UHC, so hopefully Brian having his chest turned into a canoe will give me some unexpected benefits.
Is there someone you know that you can talk about all this to in person? That would surely help.
My sister gets off work in a couple hours and she has asked me to come over when she does so we can talk a while. I really do need to give a voice to this stuff I think.
You really do. I hope you work something out.
You're in survival mode. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family and for God's sake forgive yourself for failing to live up to whatever standards you've set for yourself