Special interests aside of course
Man. I don’t have sensory issues with wearing whatever, but I’ve been getting grilled lately for not being “fashionable” and some people in my life have even gone as far to say that’s why I’ve historically had trouble dating/making friends.
Tbh, I just wear whatever is easiest to put on- if that’s a polo and jeans at the top of my clean laundry, then so be it. If one of my last clean outfits is a flannel and khakis in my closet, then it’ll be that. If it’s a logo t and jeans? You get the picture. But apparently there’s something wrong with that and I need to be “more fashionable?” As someone who is color blind, I’m not exactly sure how I’m supposed to tell what colors best suit my skin tone/go well together. Like I said it all feels the same, so I’m not sure why something so minor would make or break continuing to hang out with someone but it seems like that is that case :/
AuDHD here, yes and no. I had it on that ADHD obsession wave, not the autism special interest wave so similar but not quite the same. I know a lot about it, but it's ultimately not for me, and I don't care about fashion in my day to day life. I was able to use it to improve my life as an autistic person and a trans woman through learning about fashion, even when I learned men's fashion far more.
To answer things from what I'd consider most to least important. Anything I say has no sarcasm or joking tone unless I indicate it.
First off, it shouldn't make or break whether or not someone talks to you. Autistic people typically do not understand social norms at an intuitive level, and fashion is widely social norms. To me, someone dressing in a bad color scheme is an indication that I should try to befriend them because I like autistic people more than allistic people. You shouldn't be chastised for not dressing fashionably. I honestly view it as a small form of ableism because neurodiverse people widely have a hard time participating in the wider fashion world whether it's physical or mental.
As for the dating side, yeah, they kinda should judge you on how you dress. There is someone of your preferred gender that dresses the exact same "don't give a fuck" way, there are people that will be on that wavelength, and you'd probably be a good fit for them. However (as someone that also gets dressed like that) most people don't dress like that because they view clothing and their overall image into the category of self care. Dressing in things that don't look good will make you look like you don't take care of yourself to people who think it doesn't look good. Different strokes for different folks though. Someone will think it looks like a green light.
How do you balance these things? Curate your closet better. You don't need 1000+ shirts, any special brands, or any hyped shoes. Having a set of clothing that you think looks good and versatile, and small enough to be regularly washed, will make you feel more confident and look better consistently. Grabbing shit off the top of the laundry pile is fine, I'm the same way. But when most people get the bulk of their tshirts from events with a shit ton of sponsors all over the shirt and some weird ass color, mixing and matching just doesn't look good.
Another tip is to get a versatile "signature" piece of clothing, because people really like that. My item before I came out was a khaki bomber jacket. After I came out, some rose tinted sun glasses. I purposely built out an outward appearance of who I was because it made me feel more confident in myself, and that went further in my life. Steve Jobs sure as hell didn't think about dressing himself every morning, but we know him as jeans and a turtle neck. You don't have to care about fashion in your day to day life, but curating a look and larger identity make us feel better about ourselves and gets us treated better.
Every time I try to date, I become more convinced it’s not for me lol I just want to exist as I am and not put on some sort of show
There will be someone who doesn't expect you to put on a show. Like I said, for me, "bad" fashion can be a bright green flag for me. There's a reason I gave a big disclaimer before I have any fashion advice.
But the fact is that caring about your own image is seen as self care. You can even have a "boldly ugly" image. People like Narduar and Tyler the Creator really laid the groundwork for us to experiment with fashion in the sense that even "ugly" looks can be popular and it's not negative. People just like people who put themselves out there, autistic or not. Confidence is pretty much the only universal of attraction. I'd say get yourself a set of clothes where you don't know if other people think it looks good, but you know that you look good yk?