I have a distinct memory of being in assembly at school and being told some random student had passed away in their sleep or something and I remember turning to my friend and saying "damn he was lucky" to which my friend had absolutely no idea what the fuck I was going on about cos we were... 6 years old... i was thinking how cool it was to be dead at 6 and for what reason? I don't recall anything being quite bad about my life at that point.

Now what the hell was i saying shit like this at 6 for? I also have distinct memories of being in nursery and just not understanding anyone around me, feeling like my peers were aliens running around and gasp... Playing and having fun... It's was like i was born a miserable cynic.

Moved to a different school due to some issues with me constantly telling god fearing catholics that god isn't real and that they're stupid. New school integrated fine but ended up having my first proper depressive episode at 7 and breaking down unable to do anything but sit on the floor. Ended up resenting the school kicked up a stink with the headteacher and ended up drawing some shit with all the teachers being blown up or smthn and then they asked me "wtf is ur problem?" And they were right i had no real beef with them or anyone really they'd never been mean or done anything wrong and their reviews of me were always positive but I was filled with a disdain and rage... And what for? What actually was my problem?

It never really got better later down the line teenage years i would get into fights cos all i had in me was rage to the point most people avoided me. I would go through loads of deodorant cans huffing solvents hoping the status effect of "this kills instantly" would kick in but it didn't then ended up addicted to the feeling it gave.

Leaving school I always found myself more negative and pessimistic than anyone else. Now yeah i had lots of issues with my parents and i still had fun moments and friends but i continued to struggle relating ro anybody and always see the worst in people.. unable to give the benefit of the doubt.

It's better these days but there's still a layer of something that stops me from fully experiencing positive emotions which anti depressants and therapy never really addressed.

Anyone experienced anything similar? My parents fucking sucked in my teenage years but i know many people who had shit parents but didn't turn out like I did.

Maybe my memory is fuzzy or i just repressed what messed me up but i think the key here is my experience of nursery because i definitely know nothing bad had happened by that point but i just couldn't experience the same silly goofy joy all the other kids were doing and I'd just kinda stand there and watch.

For the most part i feel inauthentic like I'm just trying to appear human. I do feel empathy i care strongly about people and have a strong sense of whats right so its not like i lack that but I feel like something is missing where i have to perform "normal" as to not look like a serial killer or smthn. I am also the kind of person to cry if i accidentally step on a snail.

TLDR: I was born with absolutely no chill