im not sure where else to post this. it's a bit of a vent, but I'm not gonna take too long
I've been on mastodon for 7-8 years now. mastodon has been pretty cool because unlike other social media, it allowed me to form closer ties to the people there. but this also made me realize how hurtful I can be to people who care about me
making a long story short: mastodon gave me a sense of security about expressing myself, so I went all out. just said whatever came to mind, responded to people honestly, etc. most of the time I always try not to insult anyone, especially when replying to people I care about. one friend made me realize I was being too combative for no reason sometimes and then I decided to take things easier
still, that didn't prevent me from hurting people I care about, which led me to be blocked by people I interacted a lot and who I considered to be friends a few times. one of those times, I was soft-blocked and saw the guy subtoot about me, so I knew what it was about and had the chance to reach out and apologize. he accepted my apologies, but said I sometimes come across as needlessly aggressive, which, according to him, contradicts what people who know me personally say about me. the other times I wasn't so lucky, so I just got blocked and have no idea why
all this reminds me of my childhood, when people constantly told me I'm annoying and that I should be quiet, which probably rendered me into a very quiet and shy teenager. I remember taking the piss out of people and enjoying it, so maybe people are right
not sure what to think of it. in the flesh world, people around me say I'm one of the nicest people they know, that I'm very caring and kind. some people say that about me on mastodon too, but I wonder if it's all just a mask and the true me is the annoying kid I suppressed early in my life.
in my view the idea of "the true me" smells a lot like woodstock era burger individualism. one's identity is something which is socially determined and not essential. There isn't a formula for eudaimonia. both striving for virtue and for authenticity can become toxic. i suggest you trust the people you hold close.
it's less a question of "who is the true me" and more of "who i really want to be". it's a struggle especially because, after years of having my autonomy questioned, it's hard to trust my own judgement on things
but "trust the people you hold close" makes perfect sense. thank you