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Keeping the full text, but as I was writing it occurred to me that this probably means I should engage in community building locally. I thought I could do this through a career focused on climate, but like all technical fields in the US I’m seeing that it's just a way to say “we’re working on this” rather than actually doing anything. ___
How do you deal with mornings? I’ve long struggled with morning emotional dysregulation. Most days I try and get out of the house as quickly as possible (if I have to) so I don’t get caught in a spiral of disdain. As long as I can remember I’ve had an extremely low tolerance for social interaction, and even more in the morning.
I thought getting a stimulant would help (I’ve been prescribed for less than a year, so still very green on the topic) but idk if it actually does. I’ve stopped taking them for the past few weeks since I haven’t hoisted up my bootstraps enough to jump through the hoops to have the doctor resend the prescription (THAT THEY HAVE TO DO EVERY FUCKING TIME). Plus what’s the point idk if the efficacy is even there.
I thought I could trick my brain by bribing it with dopamine for getting out of bed with substances.
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Smoking weed daily and vaping, but that hardly seems sustainable either for respiratory health reasons. Plus nicotine has always lost its efficacy very quickly for me, fortunately including withdrawal too, at least. ___
Idk per previous therapists I’ve tried all of the cbt, mindfulness, etc. and I feel like I have a good handle on those. The issue is that when I’m “in touch with my emotions, body, etc.” it’s resolutely pissed at the state of things. I’m obviously very happy and grateful for the life I have in the imperial core (/s) on top of the mountain of corpses of comrades and those I’d be with if I were a less “useful” ND or had a darker complexion.
Maybe this is just another vent post. But I’d love to hear if any of you have good ways of making it through the day.
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I’m 100% cool with smoking enough weed daily to numb myself to everything around me, but that gets expensive, and hardly feels fair to the people I love. ___
Yeah I’ve been on meds for ~ a year, and for the last few weeks I’ve been off them (change of insurance, holiday travel, etc.) and in retrospect I’m not 100% sure they’re the best for me- 15mg adderall xr- but I’ve only dealt with the meds for a short time now (have been undiagnosed my whole life and just white-knuckled through everything (don’t all people exert effort followed by depressive episodes from masking burnout??)) so it’s hard to know what is good? Like it helps with avoiding burnout and I stay locked into a task, but in general I feel noticeably more “on edge”, and my nicotine cravings skyrocket.