I am traumogenic (trauma created/clinical DID) plural system. It is highly likely that I never had a "core personality" that I was born as and instead have always had either an infant mental state or multiple personalities. (During the time most babies begin to form a coherent personality, I formed several. It is possible that not every system forms like this but highly like I did)
Every time I've felt I was singular, I've experienced mental walls, amnesia and other DID symptoms. If someone could do a "I'm singular ama" that'd be cool because I have questions too. :)
so i got it from ptsd and an extreme trauma scenario when i was a kid and one when i was an adult. for me when i dissociate, my mind blanks, i get super confused feeling, colors wash away from my vision, and i cant seem to hold a rational conversation whatsoever. my emotions go everywhere and i cant really coherently process anything. if i dissociate while driving, i usually call a friend or family to come pick me up because its too dangerous for me to drive like that. if i dissociate while talking to someone i tell them sorry i cant continue the conversation and i go and try to chill, which sometimes means i try to play a video game but most times it involves me staring at a wall a lot or holding onto my boyfriend if hes available
Also just to clarify, my reasons for sharing that was that I was concerned you may have had a not good or well trained therapist. (I don't know you or your treatment history so I can't say) Like, this sounds like DID in some regards but not completely in others and therapists can sometimes discourage DID diagnosed patients from talking to each other, which can create circumstances that aren't good for patient self advocacy. (Talking to others with DID and plurality can sometimes disorient me if they are like, really not understanding the world at all in but largely the benefits have been major) Depersonalization is a big part of DID but treatment for DID that is clinically accepted by the ISSTD involves directly working with an alter that can communicate back. These are intense symptoms you're describing and ones known to occur in patients with severe dissoaciative disorders. (Which the ISSTD also works with beyond DID/OSDD) Basically from my knowledge of the clinical side of things, I'm a bit concerned that there might be an issue with either the diagnosis or the treatment plan. I can't advise or comment further and if I happen to be incorrect, I hope that it can be understood that I've both seen and heard of severely mismanaged DID and non DID cases many times and that this concern stems from wanting to make sure you are an empowered client/patient and know that you have recourse if the therapy is in fact not what it needs to be because so often DID and other intense disassociative trauma survivors don't know we have recourse/support. There is a podcast called the System Speak podcast made by a system who has a PHD in a related field and has many guests on who talk about various severe dissoaciative disorders. The ISSTD website has a ton of resources for both clinicians and patients. (International Society for Study of Trauma and Dissassocation) To be clear, this is all information and resources I'd want people to know in general and I do not know you or your circumstances. This information is also for others reading this who might need this or know someone who does.
Basically "It's awesome if the treatment plan you have is working and makes sense, if it doesn't then here's some potentially empowering resources"
its DID its just a subtype called depersonalization, no i dont have an alter just it all goes away and i become nothing. my hands dont feel like my own, everything feels fake and gray, my senses become dulled, you could break a bone and i wouldnt feel it, i become very mellow and still and unable to form coherent thoughts. happens randomly. cptsd has an opposite effect for me, i become hyperaware of my surroundings, pace, and i flip the fuck out and have definite triggers and crazy vivid flashbacks that mostly deal with bodily sensation.
Thank you for sharing. This reminds me of some experiences I've had. DID diagnosis requires there to be another personality but also CPTSD is very real (I have it and it is often if not always co morbid with DID. ) There might be a chance there is really poor internal communication. (Which is common and a way of being created to survive. If communication is extremely bad, it isn't a moral failing but a sign that communication HAD to be extremely bad in order for a system to survive.) It could also be that there is a condition going on that isn't DID but is an extremely severe dissoaciative disorder. What you wrote does sound extremely relatable to me.
I've had clinicians say they weren't even going to attempt to diagnosis me during the pandemic because they wanted to see my switches in person. A lot of diagnostic tests by specialists are very centered around having them witness a switch or more in a clinical setting and with amnesia present for the switch. Usually they recommend internal communication efforts as a way to reduce "lost time" and overall adverse symptoms.
specifically its related to depersonalization so its more my personality gets erased for a bit. i got diagnosed with it at my psychiatrist office because it would happen regularly because discussing details of my trauma can trigger it sometimes, but it also has seemingly random triggers as well.