My Two Presidents is filmed before a live studio audience
INT Oval Office
DONALD is at his desk, trying to remember his new Twitter password.
DONALD: Ok Siri, type "Stop the count," in all caps on my twitter.
SIRI: BEEPS I'm sorry, I can't do that.
DONALD: That's it Siri, you're fired!
(Audience laugh track)
(Outside door) SECRET SERVICE: No, you can't go in there, the President said no visitors until--
The DOOR bursts open.
ERIC: Daaaaaad, I don't want to share the White House with the Bidens!
DONALD: Now son, we've been over this. The likes of this have never been done before. Many people are saying its going to be the best season of The President, ever.
HUNTER enters the room out of seemingly nowhere and puts ERIC into a playful noogie chokehold.
HUNTER: Dibs on top bunk!
(Audience laugh track)
ERIC: Stop! Get off! Arent you suppose to be in the Ukraine or something?
(Audience laugh track)
HUNTER pulls out a switchblade and does a line of coke off of the blade.
HUNTER: Border's closed, bitch.
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: Down! DOWN! Bad Hunter!
JOE mists HUNTER with a spray water bottle full of horse tranquilizers, which puts him right to sleep on the Oval Office rug. (Audience laugh track)
DONALD: Wrong! No one disciplines their children better than me. DONALD rolls up a newspaper and starts swatting ERIC
DONALD: Go to your room!
(Audience laugh track)
ERIC: Ow, ow! Ok, ok I'm leaving!
(Audience laugh track)
DONALD: Now, remember Sleepy Joe, I invited you, so we play by my rules.
JOE: I'm pretty sure the popular vote invited me.
(Audience laugh track)
DONALD: I'm surprised you could string that together without a teleprompter
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: I'm surprised you can pronounce a four syllable word, Jack!
(Audience laugh track)
DONALD: For the last time, my name's not Jack, it's Donald.
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: Cut the malarkey kid, remember, we are splitting up this place 50/50. You get the right side and I get the left. Just like used to do for the colored folks. Separate but equal!
(Audience laughs weakly and uncomfortably, coughs)
INT Oval Office, now divided in half from top to bottom with tape, which divides the desk perfectly in half.
The phone RINGS on the left side of the desk. DONALD tries to reach over JOE but is swatted away back to his side of the tape line (Audience laugh track)
JOE: This is the President
DONALD: Presidents!
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: I'm sorry, you're asking us to do what??
DONALD: Speaker, put it on speaker!
JOE: Ask Jeeves, activate speaker phone mode. claps once
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: Funny, that usually works at home.
DONALD reaches for the phone across the desk and pulls it towards him to put on the speaker phone.
PHONE: I said, Mr Presidents, we have intelligence on a location for Abdel Aziz Odeh.
JOE: What? I didn't order any shish kabobs!
(Audience laugh track)
DONALD: If he's having the shish kabobs, I'll have the same. Only bigger and better than his.
(Audience laugh track)
PHONE: Abdel Aziz Odeh is a FBI most wanted terrorist, not your lunch!
(Audience laugh track)
PHONE: Sirs, we have a location, but we need--
JOE and DONALD simultaneously: Drone Strike!!!
(Audience laugh track)
PHONE: Are you both sure? There's a good chance of civilian--
JOE and DONALD simultaneously: Drone Strike!
(Audience laugh track)
JOE and DONALD look at each other in mild disbelief.
DONALD: You like drone strikes too?
JOE: Just a little something I learned from Obama.
(audience claps, hoots and hollers)
DONALD: I love drone strikes. We have the best drones in America. No one's doing as many drone strikes. We're the best at it.
JOE: Well how do you feel about corporate bailouts?
DONALD: Love 'em! How do you feel about ruining the environment for short term profits?
JOE: Got fracking?
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: and spying on our citizens?
DONALD: A must! And privatizing prisons?
JOE: Those turkeys gotta learn their lesson somehow! And deporting illegals inhumanely except when it comes to exploiting their labor?
DONALD: Shouldve came here legally! Basic social safety nets for the public?
JOE: What do I look like, a socialist?
(Audience laugh track)
JOE: Medicare for all?
Both JOE and DONALD laugh together over (Audience laugh track)
DONALD: You know, the more I hear, I guess we aren't so different after all!
JOE: Nothing will fundamentally change. Don, here's the deal. You just gotta be nicer about it. That's all the voters want! People at the baseball games don't wanna see where their hot dog is made.
(Audience laugh track)
DONALD: You know, I've been thinking. Libraries are just bad business. Giving books away for free? Its terrible. The worst.
JOE: You thinking what I'm thinking?
DONALD and JOE simultaneously: BEZOS
(Audience laugh track)
ERIC: DAAAAAAAD there's a Russian hooker in my bed!
HUNTER: She's Slovenian you idiot! And we're in love!
HUNTER pulls in MELAINA TRUMP
(Audience laugh track, hoots and hollers)
JOE and DONALD glare at each other menacingly.
** peppy theme music starts **
deleted by creator
Donald Jr walks into the room with his hands in his pockets, looking sheepishly.
DONALD JR: Hey, Dads---
JOE and DONALD simultaneously: Stop calling me your dad!
(Audience laugh track)
DONALD JR, unfazed: I think... I met someone, and it might be serious.
(Audience gasps with surprise)
DONALD: Well, when are we going to meet her?
DONALD JR: I think some of you may already have!
(Audience Oooohs)
In walks the Biden family dog, Donald Jr. beams a huge smile at the Presidents.