Begin by opening a new sheet in Excel. Click "File" and go to the bottom left and press "Options". Click the "Customize Ribbon" button. Go to the right side panel and click the check box that says "Developer".

Click the "Trust Center" button in the far left side bar and go to "Trust Center Settings...". From here click "Macro Settings" button in the new left side bar and select "Enable all macros" and check the box beneath that says "Trust access to the VBA project object model". Click the "Ok"s at the bottom of the menu.

I can sense your eagerness. Calm down. There are a few more steps.

From here, go to the "Developer" tab and press the "Visual Basic" button. This is what you should see. Right click the folder that says "Microsoft Excel Objects", hover over "Insert" and then press "Module". Double click into the new module that just appeared.

You're almost there.

Copy this spoilered code into the white space to the right.

'start shirking obligations
Sub cmdStart_Click()
Dim x As Long
For x = 1 To 1000000000
Cells(7, 2) = "Running"
Cells(1, 1).Select
SendKeys "{down}"
Application.Wait (Now + TimeValue("0:00:02"))
DoEvents
Next x
End Sub

'stop shirking obligations
Sub cmdStop_Click()
Cells(7, 2) = "Not Running"
End
End Sub

'will automatically set to not running upon opening workbook
Private Sub Workbook_Open()
Cells(7, 2) = "Not Running"
End Sub

_
Home stretch. I can sense that you're ready to give your boss the finger. We're so close.

Close the Visual Basic window and go back to "Sheet1" or whatever it is called. Under the "Developer" tab, press the button that says "Insert" and under the "Form Controls" section select the top left button, which is "Button". Press anywhere in the sheet, hold and drag the mouse to create the button. A menu will appear demanding that you select a macro for the button, select "cmdStart_Click". Do this again with another button to the right but select "cmdStop_Click" in the popup menu. These are your start and stop buttons if that isn't painfully obvious. Rename them if you want, I really don't care.

You're spreadsheet should look like this. Go to "File" and select "Save As". Click "Browse" and save it wherever the fuck you want. The main thing you want to pay attention to is selecting "Excel Macro-Enabled Workbook (*.xlsm)" in the "Save as type:" dropdown. This will let you reuse the workbook.

Congratulations. You're now ready to shirk your obligations at your bullshit job. Have fun. Use it wisely.

    • WorkIsPeepeePoopoo [any]
      ·
      4 years ago

      The problem with this is some places are switching to Teams (where you can't manually set the offline time) but aren't fully utilizing the workplace surveillance capabilities of it yet. This will work to keep you active.

      I guess the fan could still work to jiggle your mouse but that's still a lot of physical stuff happening, lmfao.

    • Leon_Grotsky [comrade/them]
      ·
      4 years ago

      I play vidyagames holding both my personal mouse and work mouse with my right hand. Index/Middle finger on Personal MB1&2 and Ring/Pinky on work MB1&2. I also have wide palms and diminutive work mouse though, may not work for everyone

      • spinachupper [he/him]
        ·
        4 years ago

        That sounds bad for your hand, I think you might be better off just opening word and putting something on your keyboard so you're always active on Skype.

    • mittens [he/him]
      ·
      4 years ago

      If you're on a mac, caffeinate -d can keep your session active indefinitely without moving your mouse around

        • mittens [he/him]
          ·
          4 years ago

          Hell yes it is. I can't install anything on this crap so it's a godsend, even for actual work stuff like keeping the computer running for long processes