If a 20 year old is dating a 16 year old, eh, not so much.
I basically agree with this. I'd probably advise you start being cautious about people under 18 starting at 20 but I wouldn't automatically object.
if some 40 year old is dating an 18 year old, that’s creepy.
This is what I have a problem with. I dont think it inherently is. If she like, just turned 18, is still in highschool, the 40 was the pursuer and like, actively seeks out 18 year olds and shit, sure, thats creepy (not pedophilia though, just creepy). Also age gaps have the potential for power dynamics to develop, but I don't think thats inherently the case. It can be avoided with caution, patience, ect. Yes, I agree 18 isn't a magical line in the sand, but its the best standard we've developed so far and I've never been able to think of a better one. Obviously we have to allow for close in age pairs, but we also need to at some point acknowledge that a person is an adult who can consent to a relationship with an older partner if thats their preference. I just don't see age gaps as inherently creepy if both people are adults.
To be clear, I'm about to be 32 and my only partner just turned 20. It pursued me, I wasn't actively looking for a younger partner and do not fetishize its age. Its just the relationship that ended up developing. Some people would judge that harshly though, and I hate that. It takes away my partner's agency as a consenting adult. Most people justify that judgement with the "different life stage" argument. But like in 2020 a 30 year old millennial is quiet often NOT in a different life stage than a 20 year old lol. I certainly don't feel my life has materially developed much since I was 20. I'm disabled, and developmentally delayed. I don't have a career (or even a job), or a family. I kind of have my own place, but not really because its a subsidized apartment I get through disability services. Besides, "different life stage" only really applies in a romantic relationship, it has no relevance if the relationship is just sex, or friends with benefits. There are just a ton of holes in the argument basically. People basically just apply their own personal squick and come up with moral justifications for it.
Yes, I agree 18 isn’t a magical line in the sand, but its the best standard we’ve developed so far
According to Americans. Other countries don't share the same view and honestly I believe people think whatever line they're accustomed to is the best. When people say that the age of consent somewhere is 15 it doesn't necessarily mean people are having sex with 15 year olds like there's no tomorrow without punishment. It means that having sex with someone above 15 isn't INHERENTLY punishable but it can very easily turn that way because for these ages laws around power dynamics, abuse and coercion are especially strict.
That may be true, but I'm fairly confident in my position that a 15 year old is definitively a child. I don't think a person much older than that can have any kind of non-platonic relationship with them and have it not be predatory. I'm fairly confident in saying that the age of consent should be higher, even if 18 isn't actually the best one. I was under the impression that drawing the line at 18 is based on developmental psychology, but I could be mislead on that.
Anyway, what I am definitely confident in is drawing my own moral line at 18 (actually if I had a tinder Id set my lower age bar at 21). There's a 17 year old in a discord server I'm in that relentlessly flirts with me but I'm rebuffing her because of that line. Also when I was in my mid twenties and on tumblr I DIDNT follow that line and got in serious trouble getting called out for it publicly. As an autistic person, I need some sort of standard for behavior.
I basically agree with this. I'd probably advise you start being cautious about people under 18 starting at 20 but I wouldn't automatically object.
This is what I have a problem with. I dont think it inherently is. If she like, just turned 18, is still in highschool, the 40 was the pursuer and like, actively seeks out 18 year olds and shit, sure, thats creepy (not pedophilia though, just creepy). Also age gaps have the potential for power dynamics to develop, but I don't think thats inherently the case. It can be avoided with caution, patience, ect. Yes, I agree 18 isn't a magical line in the sand, but its the best standard we've developed so far and I've never been able to think of a better one. Obviously we have to allow for close in age pairs, but we also need to at some point acknowledge that a person is an adult who can consent to a relationship with an older partner if thats their preference. I just don't see age gaps as inherently creepy if both people are adults.
To be clear, I'm about to be 32 and my only partner just turned 20. It pursued me, I wasn't actively looking for a younger partner and do not fetishize its age. Its just the relationship that ended up developing. Some people would judge that harshly though, and I hate that. It takes away my partner's agency as a consenting adult. Most people justify that judgement with the "different life stage" argument. But like in 2020 a 30 year old millennial is quiet often NOT in a different life stage than a 20 year old lol. I certainly don't feel my life has materially developed much since I was 20. I'm disabled, and developmentally delayed. I don't have a career (or even a job), or a family. I kind of have my own place, but not really because its a subsidized apartment I get through disability services. Besides, "different life stage" only really applies in a romantic relationship, it has no relevance if the relationship is just sex, or friends with benefits. There are just a ton of holes in the argument basically. People basically just apply their own personal squick and come up with moral justifications for it.
According to Americans. Other countries don't share the same view and honestly I believe people think whatever line they're accustomed to is the best. When people say that the age of consent somewhere is 15 it doesn't necessarily mean people are having sex with 15 year olds like there's no tomorrow without punishment. It means that having sex with someone above 15 isn't INHERENTLY punishable but it can very easily turn that way because for these ages laws around power dynamics, abuse and coercion are especially strict.
That may be true, but I'm fairly confident in my position that a 15 year old is definitively a child. I don't think a person much older than that can have any kind of non-platonic relationship with them and have it not be predatory. I'm fairly confident in saying that the age of consent should be higher, even if 18 isn't actually the best one. I was under the impression that drawing the line at 18 is based on developmental psychology, but I could be mislead on that.
Anyway, what I am definitely confident in is drawing my own moral line at 18 (actually if I had a tinder Id set my lower age bar at 21). There's a 17 year old in a discord server I'm in that relentlessly flirts with me but I'm rebuffing her because of that line. Also when I was in my mid twenties and on tumblr I DIDNT follow that line and got in serious trouble getting called out for it publicly. As an autistic person, I need some sort of standard for behavior.
It's good to have a set line for yourself.